Cancer. You must be kidding me that this is my life right now, it's one thing to experience it with other family members and to lose loved ones but this time its so close to home... I hate that this is happening. I hate that my stoic father has to be brought to his knees by something completely out of his control. I hate that he lives in a constant state of 'why, what did I do wrong', I hate that he is in pain, I hate that his mortality is the first thing on my mind each day when I wake up and probably his too, I hate watching him fight back tears and try to be brave when he is afraid, I hate that HL talks about 'grampa's owie' now, I hate that this is happening to him, and I hate that I can't fix it, I'm a nurse, I fix people, and I can't fix this.
I HATE it.
My Dad wants this to remain relatively private, I absolutely understand, but I need an outlet, I need to vent and say things that only exist in my mind that I dont have the courage to acknowledge outloud or to say to 'real' people. So I say it to the interwebs and hope that if he happens to stumble on the blog someday that he understands. And regardless I'm pretty positive that no one from his everyday life coincidentally hangs out here, if they do the cats out of the bag, hopefully they'll respect his wishes and let him share on his own time.
The doctors are highly optimistic about his condition, they use the word cure in consultations and that weighs heavily on my heart. As I've had the unfortunate position of watching cancer take several loved ones lives in the past I realize that you just never know... But given his particular cancer, health, and treatment options I am very confident that we will get through this, I mean you have to adopt that mindset no matter what.
I say WE because cancer and illness affect everyone in the family. We are all in this together, we are all fighting, and when his strength and optimism falls I will be there to pick it up. So WE are fighting the fight of our lives right now, and God willing, with our special Angel's help we will prevail.
Cancer will NOT win this one. It is NOT welcome here.
Chemo starts tomorrow. I've made it my mission in life to be his right hand man through all of this whether he wants it or not. I came by my stubbornness honestly. He may not want to ask for the help but I will be dishing it out. I will be at every appointment, I will become the worlds expert on everything cancer related, the disease, the surgery, the chemo meds, everything. I'll be his nurse and remind him to take his meds, I'll be his personal chef when he doesn't feel like eating, I'll be his walking buddy when it's time for fresh air, the main point is that I'll be there. Because I know he'd do the same for me. And he's my Dad, the man deserves it.
He sure as hell doesn't deserve this.
There's something about this feeling of helplessness that I just don't do well with. I'm not sure that anyone does. And it all just seems so unfair but sometimes things just happen and there is no explanation, all you can do is roll with the punches. Isn't that just a stupid cliche... all of these things we tell people and ourselves to make a crappy situation seem better, it's all bullshit. But we say it because what else are you supposed to do. No one has a crystal ball to know how the cards are going to fall.
But here's what I do know, we are a family of fighters and we are not going to go through this quietly, it's going to be one knock down fight to the finish, this cancer picked the wrong guy, the wrong family. It can kiss it's ass goodbye.