Wednesday, February 23, 2011

PTSD from Labor #1... now what?

So I have realized since shortly after having my first son that I have post traumatic stress disorder from my labor with him. No really, I do. I remember vividly the entire awful experience and it literally gives me a pit in my stomach and MAJOR anxiety thinking about having to do this AGAIN.
Sparing you the ALLLL details of my entire birth story, some highlights of why it sucked-
  • I was induced at 36 weeks due to IUGR, induction means Pitocin, Pitocin= the devil.
  • My contractions weren't effectively being monitored with the toco machine so they looked like they weren't as strong as would be 'preferred' which resulted in the docs cranking up my Pit while simultaneously breaking my water. I was never given a chance to respond to one intervention or the other, it was a double whammy. (They later inserted an internal monitor which showed that the contrax were beyond effective, but by that time it was too late, the pain was OUTTA control. )
  • I had slow progress, still 1-2 cm after 12+ hours of labor which resulted in my nurse instructing me that they'd "prefer" I wait to get my epidural until I show further progress which resulted in more pain... a lot more pain for a long time.
  • When I finally got the epi it only worked on half of my body therefore the anesthetists had to keep dosing me with Fentanyl. Regardless it was laughable to call it "pain management"... I shook in excruciating pain until I was done being stitched up from my episiotmy. 
  • After finally dilating the entire way my little dude's heart rate started to plummet... like down to 30 bpm... and I was told after just 1 or 2 pushes that we needed to get him out ASAP.
  • Due to his dropping heart rate my OB literally shoved her entire forearm up my hoo ha in between contrax to rub his head and try to stimulate his heart rate to come back up... this was pretty much like birthing my kid over and over again for god knows how many contrax I had during delivery. And with my failed epi I felt EVERY.OUNCE. of excruciating pain this caused.
  • Also due to his heart rate I was forced to push 4x per contraction and wasn't allowed to rest more than a couple of seconds inbetween each set of pushes.
  • I ended up with a vacuum delivery since my pelvis is retroverted and he could not get under my pelvic bone. Unfortunately the vacuum popped off of his head at the last minute, he started to slide back in, so the OB grabbed him, grabbed her scissors, and I received an emergency episiotomy as he came out.
  • Once again with my failed epi I got to endure the outrageous burning sensation of my lady bits being snipped in half and then the subsequent pain of being stitched all the way back up.

Pain. Trauma. Anxiety. Fear.

That's what I experienced during my labor. Not to mention the fear of what kind of health my IUGR baby could've possibly been in (thankfully he was 100% fine).

Not exactly what I had pictured those long 9 months... yes it was beautiful and amazing and something I'll never forget but it was truly traumatic. And this is my biggest fear now being pregnant with #2. The IUGR issues with HL were caused by a blood disorder that I have and it's a disorder that I still carry now with baby #2. Will he end up the same way? Will I end up with another induction this time? Even if I do will it go as roughly? I don't have those answers yet... but I'm terrified to even go there. I guess only time will tell. I will say there are at least a handful of things I will do VERY differently this time around even if I do end up with an induction... that list will be in another post.



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