Thursday, August 5, 2010

9 months in... 9 months out...

Dear HL...

My precious, sweet, tiny baby, almost toddler...

What in the world has happened to my world, I was honestly just laying in a hospital bed awaiting your arrival into the world... really it was yesterday... I swear...

I have been dreading writing this and avoiding it at all costs, I haven't even been able to bring myself to think about the fact that today you are 9 months old. I refuse to believe that it's almost time to pack away the bouncers, baby tubs, bottles and infant carseat. I am grasping to every moment praying that it stays... that it doesn't pass... that you don't get bigger

Grasping for dear life...

I don't want to wake up and be getting ready to attend your highschool graduation but I know that is coming faster than I could ever imagine.

This is the hardest thing I've had to do in life. On one hand I am so excited to watch you grow, to live life through a child's eyes, to watch you learn to talk and walk and read and write, to watch you chase down your dreams, to watch you become the amazing man I know you're destined to be.

But not yet...

Not yet sweet baby...

Momma needs more time to soak you in...

to live in THIS moment, to snuggle you without a fight, to feed you in a highchair, to rock you to sleep, to watch you on a video monitor. I just need more time. I want to be selfish, I want you stay put right where you are.

You know life is as cruel as it is amazing. Once you get to the best parts it starts going by too fast and before you know it that's it... "cause when the hourglass runs out of sand, you can't flip it over and start again"... But I wish right now that I could flip it over, that I could hit a button and go back to the day I met you, precious son. The day I laid in a hospital bed gazing down in true wonder at your beautiful face. My 5 pound 3 ounce gift from above that we waited so long for.

I'd give anything to relive the past 9 months of my life with you because it truly has been the most amazing time of my life. You have taught me so much and have given me a piece of myself that I never knew was missing. You have made me a better person than I ever thought I could be.

HL, to be your mom is the greatest accomplishment in my life and I am so grateful for that and for you...

So since I can't gather up the sand in that hourglass I vow to do my best to get the most out of each grain, to breathe in your wonder every day that I wake up, to spend more time on the floor playing and less time working, to take more pictures and fill up more hard drives no matter what Daddy says. I will squeeze you and kiss you until you're big enough to push me away. And I will watch you and teach you and most importantly love you...

Love you with all that I am...

Forever & Always...

Momma

4 comments:

Shazia said...

What a beautiful letter! It truly brought a tear to my eye because I think about my daughter and the fact that she too is growing up way too fast! I miss those snuggle times already and didn't think they would gone so fast! Happy 9 month Birthday HL!

Mamaslittlechick said...

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