Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The things they should've told me...

You know that show on TV, The SH-- They Should've Shown, you've seen that right? Well here's my take, the things they should've told you about life after pregnancy. There's 5 million books on pregnancy and what to expect, what's normal, etc. There's 5 million books on your baby's development once they arrive. But what the heck happened to the advice and tips for MOM afterward??? I mean what the heck?? You don't hear about this stuff in any book or in any birthing class!

I would've appreciated a little forewarning, perhaps some foreshadowing, heck even just a plain old FORE on what I was about to experience! But instead I got smacked in the head with these golfballs...

Now I should start by saying these are only "possibilities" that you may experience, I'm sure not everyone gets the joy of enduring these things. If I can offer that forewarning to anyone I am happy to oblige and share my particular experiences and spare you the golfball in the face!

No one warned me...

That I'd get horrid contractions, not only during labor, but for 3 days following. And yes they were just as painful and this time without the epidural or stadol!

That having sex for the first time after delivering a child would be akin to someone stabbing a knife into your vagina, but only for a few moments. It's like your body is taunting you, "are you sure you want to do that again?? Don't you remember what came of that last time and the joy of squeezing a watermellon through your hoo ha??" Uh huh that's what I thought!

That even picking your child up would cause your boobs to leak. Yea, there's a reason they make those breast pads, you don't want to expose your dairy factory to the whole world!

That your hair would start falling out in clumps as if someone spiked your shampoo with battery acid and that said hair would be all over the place, in baby's hands, wrapped around baby's toes, in baby's mouth, on the couch, in your food. Do they make a new mommy hair net??

That tampons would not stay in but would fall out of you, yes I said FALL out. And that after realizing this you'd be wondering if this will eventually go away or if you'll be sitting in a doctor's office with several 70 year old women asking about vaginal rejuvenation. Will I be need to switch my Tampax stock to Always?? :::shudder:::

That you would pee on more sticks (pregnancy tests) AFTER being pregnant than you ever did before.

That you would feel phantom baby kicks all the time, and that your stomach would even twitch to convince you that you are not hallucinating and that said kicks would prompt you to pee on more sticks (see above)

That the line on your belly, that linea negra, would still be going strong months and months after delivery.

That your boobs would look like they had been ravaged by tigers after your milk comes in because they tripled in size and the stretchmarks you "thought" you had before would pale in comparison.

That you would understand your menopausal mother and the concept of being lava hot AND freezing cold at the exact same time and these nightsweats would go on... and on.... and on

That you would find more stretchmarks on your body AFTER your belly disappears, not because you couldn't see them with a belly in the way but because God has a cruel and sick sense of humor. (I can't think of any other reason why this horrible thing would happen!)

That your skin would go haywire complete with eczema, acne, and more issues that you never had while your body tries to remember what it was doing 9 months ago.

I'm sure I will learn more as I go along and I'll be sure to share, and if you have any please share! But I leave you with these parting thoughts...

No one ever warned me that I could love something so much either, or that I could live perfectly well on 4 hours of sleep, or that I would have no problem changing dirty diapers, or that I wouldn't mind getting up in the middle of the night if it meant seeing that precious face one more time, or that I'd fight my husband and family members over holding my child even though I get to hold him all day long at home, or that I would smile, laugh, and love more than I ever have in my life.... nope, no one ever warned me about that either.


Jessica said...

Amen sista! But in the end, it's all worth it... I'm tearing up thinking about it lol

Alyssa said...

Everything you said was true. I especially love the end.

mrsmessi said...

Thanks for the warnings! Not looking forward to that...but I can't wait for my baby to be here!

Erin said...

I had a baby last July and I can totally relate to all of this! (A quick tip about the tampons - if you do Kegel exercises, you can tone your hoo-ha back into shape. That's right, exercises for the vag!)

Stopping by to welcome you to SITS

mommamaven said...

Yes it is absolutely worth it ya'll! Thanks for stopping by, I will have to look into the kegel idea.

Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby said...

Ah, the joys.... :)

I thought I was the only one with the tampon issue, though. I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

joy said...

I'm stopping by from The Secret is in the Sauce to say welcome to the community - we're glad you joined us!

Sandy said...

Oh yeah, we go through some pretty crazy stuff to be parents, but it is worth it in the end!

Welcome to SITS! It's great to have you in the SITStahood!

notmommyoftheyear said...

OMG. I think I love you for posting this. The tampon thing, would really liked someone to have told me about that.

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