Four months after we were married, hubbs and I decided that I would go off of birth control and let nature take it's course. When we finally decided to start trying to conceive it was a giddy feeling. I was full of anxiousness and excitement like a 6 year old on the first day of school, not knowing what to expect but couldn't sleep all night thinking about it. I had discussed the concept of trying to conceive with some other mommy friends prior and they had told me all about ovulation timing, day 10 thru 14, have sex every other day, etc. They gave me the low down and asked me if I knew how long my cycles were. I kind of looked at them thinking well, not really I guess, never paid much attention to it, and figured I was in my twenties, so the info kind of went in one ear and out another. In the back of mind I had already figured that we'd end up pregnant our first cycle, I mean we're young, no history of fertility issues, I was a fertile goddess in my mind. Well the first month was not a success but we rolled with it, of course I was dissapointed when aunt flo arrived but it had only been one month, onto the next we went.
Month two came and went and that info from my mommy friends started creeping into my mind. Hmmm, I wondered, maybe I should start tracking my cycles and make this more planned than by chance. The excitement got the better of me and from this day forward I was determined to end up pregnant immediately instead of letting it "just happen," we were officially "trying" now. I charted my cycle month 2 found out that I had a 30 day cycle and during month 3 we went accordingly, trying during my supposed ovulation dates. Surely this would be the month, I mean all of the pawns were in place. And month 3 came and went, no baby. At this point I started thinking that something may be wrong, I jumped to horrible conclusions, but I still had a hint of optimism now that I had dissected my cycle.
And we move to month 4, I broke down and bought some ovulation kits for this month so that there was no possible way we would miss that opportunity window. Now that I had made my body into a science experiment success was the only outcome. But I was wrong, no success, no baby...
Patient was never a word anyone would use to describe me, however, determined was me to a T. So I plodded along. More ovulation kits, I used one every single day, and I switched to the smiley face ones so that there was no misinterpreting the 2 lines. More "trying" and you can forget the fun aspect anymore, it became a job, a chore, a mission to accomplish. Well months 5 and 6 came and ended the same way...
At the 6 month mark, I broke down. I had no idea what was wrong with me because surely something must be or it would've happened already. I convinced myself that we would never conceive, that we had become "those people" who everyone looks at with pity when they hear that they have to adopt. I had only a glimmer of hope left and I started intensely investigating fertility treatments. I looked into everything from HSG's, to Clomid, to IUI, to IVF. A whole new world before my eyes, I found myself in a place I never in a million years thought I would be. ME. Infertile. How was this possible, how was this my life. But I leaned on my husbands support, telling me everyday that we would be fine, that we would make it through. We kept on trying.
7 months.... no baby
8 months.... no baby
And this is when I finally broke down and went in for a fertility consultation.Typically you wait a year of trying before going in, but at our age we were outside of the norm of unsuccessful trying. Most people our age were getting knocked up on accident using 3 forms of birth control. I was in tears in the waiting room, I had to watch all of these beautiful pregnant women come in for their OB appointments, and new moms come in with their babies. It was crushing. I already had a complex when I was out in public and saw pregnant women and women with infants, I was so extremely jealous, it was everything I had not to burst into tears when we'd pass them in the grocery store, at the mall, I felt like I was surrounded by them.
So I had my consultation, no physical abnormalities, off to the lab for a Progesterone level. Everything came back normal, our diagnosis "Unexplained Infertility"....
What are you supposed to say to THAT?? You mean there's no cause? You mean there's nothing we can do to help? You mean there's nothing to fix to give us our baby? This was almost a worse feeling than the one I had sitting in the waiting room. Luckily I had researched our options prior to the appointment and I quizzed the doctor and demanded that we form a plan to get us our baby. He obliged, our plan was to try again this cycle, get a semen analysis, and then try Clomid the following month if we were unsuccessful again. And we'd go from there, possibly try IUI, we'd play it by ear. I walked out of the doctor's office with my hope restored. We were GOING to get our baby.
That upcoming cycle was the most relaxed I had been in 9 months, I knew for sure we wouldn't get pregnant but at least we had a plan for the next month. I used ONE ovulation kit and I don't even know if we tried during our window of opportunity or not, I didn't care.
Well guess what, cycle day 30 arrived and no aunt flo.... Day 32... Day 34... you must be kidding me. I convinced myself it was just late because I had all of the symptoms, I just waited for it to arrive but decided to take the pregnancy test that came with my ovulation kits. Here we go again another negative.... wait... 2 lines.... I frantically grabbed the instructions (like I hadn't taken 75 pregnancy tests already in my life) 2 lines means POSITIVE.
I sat there in the bathroom staring at those two lines while the past 9 months ran through my head, every time I would stare at the boxes of ovulation kits in the store, every time I would get the smiley face and think tonight's the night, every time I would stare at another negative, and then every time I would have to tell hubbs that we were unsuccessful again because he wouldn't dare ask if I had tested yet.
Every. single. month. for. 9. months. The tears, the heartache, the desperation, the hopelessness, the anger, the jealousy, the arguements, the roller coaster.
But we made it, and now I know it was worth the wait. Our little boy just wasn't ready to meet us yet, he was teaching