Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Please God NO!

I had a meltdown today, sobbing and all.... I'm afraid I spoke too soon about the colic.... it's back with avengence. We had one good week and now the last 4 days it has been building again. I am devastated, I thought we had finally turned the corner, I was ready to relax again, I was enjoying my baby again, I kept saying how much easier it was. And BAM reality slapped me in the face and knocked me to my knees.

I was literally yelling at Holden today, while I rocked him, telling him to shut up.... this is absolute hell... what am I going to do! I held him and rocked him while he wailed and I bawled my eyes out. My cell phone won't let me dial out and I desperately wanted to call my husband and beg him to come home. I'm at a complete loss, I feel so incredibly hopeless. I'm so pissed off that we're back to square one and I'm SO damn jealous of all the other mommies out there who have "good" babies. I refuse to ask my family for help, this is my own fault and I realize it but I can't do it. I feel like I should be able to handle this and I refuse to pass the burden over to someone else. Everyone insists that they won't mind, it's no big deal, we need a break, but seriously they have no clue what they're offering here. They just don't and I can't bring myself to enlighten them so here I sit.... and I'll sit indefinitely.

My arms are so sore from holding him and bouncing him that they shake all day long, my neck is so tight that I've had a constant migraine for 3 days... I mean for GODSAKE this has to get better, it has to because I don't know what else to do. Everyone insisted the 3 month mark was the magical number and I want to go and punch these people in the face, I'm so angry. I feel like I've been let down by them, let down by my child.... do you know how awful a feeling that is to feel disappointed by your beautiful newborn baby?? It's CRUSHING, and it's not fair to either of us.

Ugh... that's all I can say for now.... I'm struggling and I'm trying to hold out hope for the light at the end of the tunnel but honestly I don't know if I'm going to have enough steam to reach the end of the tunnel, I just don't know.

11 comments:

Bethany said...

Oh darlin... I'm normally a lurker, but I just wanted to reach out and **hug** I only had a small taste of what you're describing (7 weeks) and still cannot even imagine what you're going through.
I do know that you cannot carry that guilt of yelling or resentment, though. Those feelings can only be expected after the hell you and Holden are having to deal with. Just take those seconds of silence and remind yourself why you're fighting this battle. Baby Holden is doing his best, and he knows his Mommy loves him.
You're in my prayers!!!!

metta1313 said...

Try not to get so down on yourself. It's not your fault! Babies are just wired differently. Your next one could be a complete angel. And I would suggest you take someone up on their offer...they know Holden's temperament and they want to help you out. You need a break. Babies can sense our stress (DH reminds me of that all the time) so if you could get out and have some "me" time...maybe a pedicure, then you will have a clear head and be able to deal better. I wish we lived near each other so I could come over and help you out.

Liz said...

oh hun. Sending you hugs. Like I said over twitter- you deserve a very long vacation to a beach paradise. First of all, this is not your fault. Colic is a terrible, horrible thing and I have no idea why/how they haven't come up with a cure for it yet. But know that it is not your fault. You have every right to be angry and get frustrated. But you need to rely on family, even if only for a few hours so that you can get out of the house. It is not a failure to rely on family and they wouldn't offer if they didn't want to help. You deserve a break. Honestly. I know you are probably reading this and shaking your head, but I hope that you let someone watch him even if only for a brief bit. If I lived closer, I'd come over to babysit. I'd bring my little guy and they could scream their heads off together. Maybe they'd both be so surprised by another baby screaming that they'd stop and give us some peace!

Hugs,
liz

Sororitygirlgonewife said...

Not your fault. Colic is just soemthing that unfortunately happens to mommies. Hang in there, sweetie, and DO NOT FEAR HELP! Everyone needs help. Ask for it. BEG for it. You need it just like the rest of us.

Michelle and Gary said...

I too am normally just a lurker, but I wanted to come out and tell you I wish I could give you a hug! I cant imagine how incrediably difficult this must be for you. I too have a newborn and while he has his moments-- nothing compared to what you seem to be dealing with. My heart goes out to you!
With regards to taking help from family-- do it! That is why we have family-- to support us during difficult times. It will help to recharge you and just give you the break that every new mother deserves!
You will be in my thoughts! Hugs to you!

Kelly said...

That's it, drive up to Cheyenne and give me that kid!

Melissa said...

This is exactly how i felt today. I was screaming at my poor baby. This post made me feel normal. ha ha.

Oh, and by the way, hello. I am a fellow bumpie. :)

Jess said...

I want to fly out to wherever you are and give you a hug! I'm so sorry you have to deal with colic. William is fussy for about 3 hours a night due to reflux... but it's nowhere near as bad as colic seems to be.

It'll be over before you know it and then you'll have to deal with HL crawling and walking and coloring on the walls!!!

Love ya girl! Hang in there!!!

Kim said...

*hugs* Hang in there, momma.

Momma Maven said...

thank you everyone, it means a lot, we're taking it one day at a time but as you can see some days are much worse than others. We will get through it one way or another...

Ryan, Christy, and Landen said...

Thank you for making me feel normal! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have the perfect baby. Everyone always brags about their angel babies and fail to mention the screaming and sleepless nights! Thank you for being honest!

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