Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It wont be like this for long...

After a rough night and morning I have to remember the lyrics to this song... my husband found it and played it for me and of course I bawled... so true though... It won't be like this for long.

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The 4th Trimester, who's ready for another baby!!?

No one ever prepared me for the "4th Trimester" the time after you're pregnant when you're home with a new baby adjusting to everything. Really having a newborn isn't that bad, all the horror stories you hear, everyone throwing their two cents in, trust me I was worried, really worried and it isn't all that bad. And that's coming from someone who ended up with Postpartum Depression and who has a colicky baby (going on for almost 5 weeks now). Sure some days are awful, I mean pretty awful. And then some days are great, relaxing, amazing. So all in all, it isn't that horrible like everyone tries to scare you into thinking. Remember all of those comments "WAIT to have a baby, it changes everything.... the sleep deprivation.... the crying... blah" yes we all remember these comments. I can proudly say now that they were wrong I'm very happy that we didn't wait any longer to have a baby. Having him here is pure life bliss with a touch of chaos thrown in.

One of the hardest things about this "4th Trimester" that I had never even thought about was the grieving process you go through for not being pregnant anymore. That's the best way I can put it, it's like you grieve for a loss... very odd... I wasn't one of those ladies who just adored being pregnant, actually I remember saying on multiple occassions that those ladies were nuts! Who would love this... it's hard work! But now that I'm no longer pregnant I miss it so much, daily.... and I could see myself saying that I loved be pregnant because of that. No one prepared me for this, no one prepared me to miss having that belly so much that I'd be ready to try for another one when my baby was 8 days old, just to have that feeling back. Imagine the look on hubby's face when I said, "sooo let's have another one", but I was dead serious. And the worst part is that no matter how many times I end up pregnant, it will NEVER be the same as the first time because now I'll have other little ones to care for while being pregnant. I'm sure you start missing out on that bonding time, really soaking it in, because you're distracted by the other kids. I'm sure you miss those first kicks because you aren't sitting for hours on end staring at your belly begging this baby to give you that first kick. I'm sure you don't take the time to enjoy it like the first one, it's not really possible when you have to play Mommy too.

Being pregnant is so special, truly special. There is so much attention and focus on you, just walking around in public people stare and smile. It's a wonderful feeling. That's right I'm pregnant, I have a miracle growing inside of me that only I can nourish and protect, a symbol of the love I share with my husband, it's an amazing feeling. Everyone dotes on you and spoils you and why shouldn't they, you're growing a human and it really is a lot of work. I miss this all so much, and I was certainly not expecting it, I wish someone had prepared me. I stare at the weekly pictures of myself with a growing belly and it brings tears to my eyes. I was beautiful, I can see that "glow" in my face. I do laundry that has been piling up and I pull out shirts and think the last time I wore that I was pregnant. I open the bathroom drawer and see the positive pregnancy test that I can't bear to get rid of yet and I remember my reaction to those 2 lines appearing. I remember all of the random car trips to get food for my cravings listening to my hubby laugh at me while I ordered the most ridculous concoctions. Who knew I'd miss these little things so much that I'd be willing to jump right back on the bandwagon even after my crazy labor and delivery.

So let me be the one to prepare all of you out there still walking around with your beautiful bellies.... cherish this time, it's just as special to be pregnant as it is to have your baby here. Sure it adds another dimension to the game once the baby is actually here, but carrying them around inside of you is just as special. Don't rush along the pregnancy. First you're waiting until the first trimester is over so you're not sick and you're not worried about miscarrying. Then you rush on to the BIG ultrasound to see if it's a boy or a girl. Then you rush on to the baby shower. Then you get to the end and all you beg for is to go into labor, you can't wait for the baby to be out. At 37 weeks you start doing everything you can think of to start speeding things along. Please ladies.... slow down..... count every day and every week and every month and every trimester.... I feel like I got robbed out of 3 weeks of my pregnancy, I'm bummed that I didn't go the full 40 weeks. So take it as it comes because I promise you, "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.... these are some good times, so take a good look around, you may not know it now...... but you're gonna miss this"

I know I do... Read more!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sleep In Heavenly Peace...

Yea right! HA :)


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Monday, December 28, 2009

Welcome! We've got a new look & name!

It was time to give the blog a facelift, make it a little bit more interesting, visually appealing, you know I gotta keep up with the Jones's out there in the blogosphere (can I mention how ridiculous I think that term is...) The blogosphere ha reminds me of Trekies or something... like all of the nerdy tech people out there, but I guess I'm one of them now so I shouldn't poke fun.

But in all reality I've decided to put some more into this blog and grow it and see where we end up. I am going to attempt to make some extra income from blogging, I've heard it's possible, so why not give it a shot and add professional blogging to my list of jobs... yet ANOTHER business to run per se!

I've always been told that I should be a professional writer or novelist, apparently I've been gifted with a silver tongue. That task sounds like a much larger mountain to climb, maybe someday, so I'll start with the blog, sharing my life, my experiences. Passing any info I can onto the other Mommies and Daddies out there who are as lost as we are with their babies! I promise to share the good, the bad, and the majorly ugly sides of parenting, afterall that's what makes it the most rewarding job on the planet.

So bear with me while I learn about blogging and all that comes with it. Consider this your formal invitation to be a fly on the wall in my home, my life, with my husband, my son, our 3 dogs, and a partridge and a pear tree. Nice to meet all of you, and welcome! Read more!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Colic + 6 Week growth spurt = a nightmare!


Yep we're still dealing with the colic... as you can see neither Holden nor Mommy nor Daddy are very happy about it! We have become experts on all things colic now and are desperately looking for the magic cure. We've found a concoction of gripe water called Colic Calm which is supposed to work wonders and they offer a 100% money back guarantee so I think I will order it. It's pretty pricey but if it doesn't work at least we can get a refund.

We've tried everything you can imagine... we even tried the classic "bourbon in the bottle" a few drops and we didn't really seem to notice a difference. The only thing that will stop his screaming fits is putting him in the tub. At 2 am the other morning we were running the water over his head and hubby looked at me and said "So... how long do we do this for??" I just laughed... "Uh until the water heater runs out!"
Gripe Water For Colic Organic 4 Oz By WellementsIf you have any tips for colic feel free to pass them along and I promise that the minute I find that magical cure I will be sure to let you all know! Read more!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Hi... my name's Holden


and I weigh 8 pounds 10 ounces at 6 weeks old!! O...M....G! (yea I was 5# 3 oz at birth by the way!) Read more!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Mommy Must Haves:

Things that I could not live without now that he is here! My Mommy recommendations for other moms!

- JJ Cole Bundle Me. It’s winter here in Colorado and instead of having to bundle the baby up in layers and layers of clothing, jackets, and shoes we just throw the Bundle Me over the hood of the carseat and he stays nice and cozy! The other added bonus is that it keeps him covered when we’re out in public and strangers don’t come running over to touch him and it keeps all of the germies off of him. No need to use a blanket draped over the carseat that would undoubtedly fall off, the Bundle Me stays permanently attached. And if he gets too hot you just unzip it and fold it down. Love this! And I will get the lighter version for the summer months, they even make a large one to go over the stroller for toddlers.


- Angelcare Monitor Deluxe. I could not sleep without this. This is a movement sensor/monitor which detects movement in the crib, most importantly baby’s breathing. The monitor will alarm if no movement is detected for 20 seconds. With all of the SIDS scares out there this is 200% worth the money for the peace of mind. We opted for the Deluxe version which has a digital screen and indicates the temperature of the room, also a concern for SIDS. That way we know the temperature and we can watch it “tick” with his breathing and know that he is ok. And let me tell you there is no mistaking when that alarm goes off, it vibrates and screeches on both the parent monitor and the nursery monitor, similar to a fire alarm! So I can sleep peacefully not waking up every 2 minutes to make sure he is still breathing because I know the alarm will go off if he isn’t. Another added benefit for the Angelcare is that we now have to put Holden to sleep on his stomach sometimes due to his reflux and gas, this is a big no-no for SIDS, but since we have the monitor I have no worries putting him to sleep on his stomach.


-Moby Wrap. This is one of the many options for baby wearing and I love it! My favorite part about the Moby as opposed to other slings is that it distributes the weight on both shoulders so your back isn't killing you after wearing them for an hour or so. The traditional slings are easy to plop them in and out of but you feel sore after a short amount of time. The Moby has a million ways to wrap the baby so you can carry them in a lot of holds and find one that they like. Holden prefers chest to chest type holds over cradle holds. Another plus for the Moby is that it fits any size person so Dad can use it too. With a normal sling you'd have to get 2 sizes- one for mom and one for dad, with the Moby anyone can wear it because it isn't size specific it's just a big long piece of fabric that you wrap around you. For anyone who has a colicky baby this is ESSENTIAL, I would never be able to get anything done around the house without wearing Holden because he refuses to be put down for more than 5 minutes at a time.


- The Boppy! Well there’s no formal explanation needed for the Boppy, it’s a breastfeeding pillow that doubles as a great tool for everything for baby. It can help them sit up, you can put them on their stomach for tummy time, it puts them at a perfect angle for bottle feeding, a million uses! Our little guy absolutely lives on his Boppy. He sits on the couch with us all day long propped up in the Boppy, he sleeps on it during the day AND we use it in his crib for him to sleep on at night. (Another SIDS no-no and another reason we love the Angelcare!) With reflux you’re supposed to prop baby up at a 45 degree angle for about an hour after eating, so voila the Boppy comes into play. Turns out that Holden dislikes being flat on his back at any point during the day or night and that’s when we started having him sleep on it. Honestly, he would rather be on the Boppy than in his swing or bouncer. And another use we found for it is when we decide to co-sleep with him. I get nervous just plopping him in bed with us, I don’t want him to get smothered or something, so we just put him on the Boppy in the middle of us and it acts kind of like a Snuggle Nest, he has his own safe area in the bed. It is something that MUST be packed up if we are staying away from home!


- A Pack N Play. We decided to get a pack n play instead of a bassinette to use for the first couple of months when he will sleep in our room instead of the nursery. The bassinette is only useful for the newborn stage and then it is a waste so instead we opted for a PNP which can be used for a long time after he moves to his own room. And obviously you can travel with it easily. We went with one that had the bassinette height and a changing station so it was just like having a standard bassinette but we will get more use out of it this way. And there is no other thing to travel with, it folds down to the size of a tent and takes 5 minutes to set up, you’d be crazy not to own one!


- Dr. Browns Bottles. After dealing with tons of gas, reflux, and colic issues I can attest to the Dr. Brown’s! There is no superior bottle for these issues. There are many times that we feed Holden and never get him to burp afterwards because the bottles cut down so much on the swallowed air. We had switched at one point to some bottles that were more similar to the breast to help with transitioning between breast and bottle feeding. After about 10 days we went right back to the Dr. Brown’s because the gas got so bad from him swallowing too much air. You’ll hear complaints that these bottles are hard to clean and have too many parts, let me be the first to assure you they take about 30 seconds longer to clean! It’s no big deal AT ALL, and you’ll welcome the extra 30 seconds to not have a screaming baby after feedings!



- Mylicon gas drops. Holden gets Mylicon at nearly every feeding to help with his gas and colic. Now I won’t say that they fix the problem 100% but I have no doubt that they do help the issue so we’ll keep doing it. Trust me you’ll try ANYTHING to stop them from being in pain. So stock up on Mylicon or the generic because the Mylicon is pricey!!


- Carters 3 pack bibs. These are bibs that come in a pack of 3 and they are quite large. We ended up going to Babies R Us to buy more of them after a couple days of being home. Why? They are the only bibs we’ve found that don’t bleed though like crazy. Our little guy is quite the lazy eater and spits half of his formula all over himself at every feeding. Standard bibs, even the terry cloth ones, leak through and his clothes were sopping wet after every feeding. Every bib we tried leaked until we tried these Carters ones. They seem to have some sort of a layer in them that keeps them from leaking so bad and his clothes actually stay dry now which is good for the laundry basket! No more changing outfits 5 times a day!


- Graco Sweetpeace Soothing Center Swing. This is the Cadillac of all swings and yes a bit pricey but worth it. This swing is specifically designed for colicky babies and so we figured we might as well have it just in-case we ended up with a colicky baby and SURPRISE we have one so I’m thankful we bought this swing. How does it help with colic: It swings in an arc-like motion which mimics a mom’s rocking motion. The seat swings side to side and front to back. It has a canopy to keep light out creating a soothing environment. It has a swaddle blanket built in to the harness to keep baby snug which you can sleep with to put “mom’s” scent on it. It has a vibrating seat. It has 6 swing speeds. It has play time music which is upbeat, quiet music including womb sounds, whales, and classical music. AND you can plug your IPOD into it to make your own playlist. It also plugs in and takes batteries which is convenient. But what sold us the most was that the seat actually clicks out of the swing and can be used as a bouncer on the floor AND you can click a Graco carseat into the base! That way when baby falls asleep in the car you just click them into the swing and don’t have to wake them up! It’s amazing!

- Formula dispenser. For formula feeding this is essential for the diaper bag. It’s a round plastic container that has 3 little dividers that each hold a portion of formula. You just pop the top off and empty the portioned formula into your bottle and it’s ready to go. That way we aren’t trying to measure and scoop on the go.


- Pacifier clip. We would go through 100 pacifiers a day without the leash ha! And this is especially important in the car and at night. In the car the pacifier falls down in between his legs and it would be impossible to reach back there to get it while driving if the leash wasn’t attached to the side of the carseat. It makes it easier to find! Same with nighttime, if we didn’t have the leash attached to his blanket at night we would never find that thing in the dark. We have the Booginhead one which has a metal clip much more durable than the plastic ones.


- Step n Shine night light system. I found this at Walmart and thought it would be convenient, I was right. It’s a little pad that goes on the floor and when you step on the pad it lights up and it also lights up a separate nightlight that you can place wherever you’d like. We put the pad at the base of the pack n play and when we’d get up with him in the middle of the night we didn’t have to turn any lights on, we could see what we were doing with a nice soft nightlight. And the light goes off on it’s own after about 10 minutes. I would actually take the nightlight portion to bed with me so that I could see what I was doing while breastfeeding or pumping. You cant beat it for $20! http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10261773



- Carters Sleepers! We got a million of these for our baby shower and honestly I took a lot of them back thinking that there was no reason to have a million sleepers! Well after he was born we went back to the store and bought a ton of them since we didn’t have enough ha. Sleepers are so convenient, you don’t have to put on a onesie, pants, AND socks, you just have one article of clothing to put on and take off and one article of clothing to wash. We probably have about 7 in each size now and that way when he pees through his diaper or spits up all over his outfit we have enough and aren’t doing laundry every hour.



- Cloud B Sleep Sheep. This is something I purchased recently because Holden seems to much prefer things with “womb” noises over things like rain or ocean sounds. Makes sense considering he just spent the past 10 months listening to my heartbeat and stomach noises and breathing. So I found the Sleep Sheep and he loves it. It also has other sounds like rain, whales, etc. But it has the heartbeat which he really likes. And I really like that it has a timer with 2 different options, 20 minutes and 40 minutes with an adjustable volume knob. It also has a Velcro strap so that you can hang it on the crib and not worry about SIDS from having stuffed animals laying in the crib.


- Soothe N Glow Seahorse. Similar to the Sleep Sheep but it has a nice glow to it like the old Glow-worms of our day. You push it’s belly and it sings 5 different songs with ocean sounds and glows, it plays for a total of about 10 minutes and shuts off. We really like this seahorse to travel with but it only plays for 10 minutes which is why the Sleep Sheep is better for bedtime.



- Pampers. We decided after having him that we despise Huggies and we love Pampers. I assume it depends on the “shape” of your baby but in our case the Huggies just don’t fit right. I also love the tabs on the Pampers more than the Huggies, they almost have like a micro-velcro which stays put really well.
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Saturday, December 19, 2009

The first 6 weeks with our baby...


The “newness” starts fading and the work begins…. But in all honesty it’s actually getting much easier now. I can’t believe it’s already been 6 weeks… I keep thinking of it in terms of pregnancy, so that’s like going from 31 weeks to 37 weeks when I had him and that is crazy! How is it going so fast? I’m sure it is going quickly due to the lack of sleep and trying to learn this new thing called parenthood with new issues to learn every day. It seems like a new issue pops up each week, first it was gas problems and formula switches, then we moved on to vomiting and reflux, next week was colic… and so we stumble along bleary eyed searching for the instruction manual ha!



With each issue you’re forced to adapt, your routine gets a little skewed and the more this happens you kind of get used to a constant flux of mini chaos. So when the next issue comes along it’s easier to deal with than before. It reminds me of the end of pregnancy where you finally have adapted to all of the aches and pain, you forget what it’s like to be back to “normal” and it’s the same with the baby and sleepless nights. We’ve gotten used to the lack of sleep and our bodies are now ok with functioning on a couple of hours of sleep so we aren’t so exhausted all the time. Don’t get me wrong, some days are worse than others, but overall it really is getting easier, we’re adjusting.


The stress, worry, and paranoia about a brand new baby are wearing off and we’re loosening up. We’ve stopped recording and charting his feedings and dirty diapers. We aren’t taking his temperature every hour to make sure he’s not too cold. We aren’t sterilizing bottles every single time he eats. And we’ve given in to using tap water instead of bottled for his formula. Now we have more time to enjoy our awesome little man and not stress about every little thing.


Holden is getting so big already. He’s gained about 3 pounds from his birth weight holy cow! Every time I pick him up I can’t believe how heavy he is. I stare at him while he’s eating and can’t believe how much his face is changing, he’s got some chubby cheeks and a double chin now. His eyes are getting more and more blue every day. He’s starting to smile at us now and he’s awake a lot more during the day. He can pretty much roll himself over if you aren’t watching and he holds his head up like a big boy now. He’s outgrown his premie clothes and is almost too big for the newborn ones. He’s almost in a size 1 diaper… gosh it is really crazy how fast they grow.
The time flying by is an odd concept. You are truly in survival mode with a new baby. You keep clinging to the things everyone says “it gets easier, I promise” or “by 2-3 months it will get better” or “those first 6 weeks are rough but then it’s better” so you keep thinking please just let us get to 12 weeks. You want to hurry up and get there! Then you turn around and it’s been 6 weeks, my little baby has gained 3 lbs since birth, he’s looking so different every single day and you stop and go WAIT… I don’t want to hurry up I want to slow back down. It’s a very odd concept… you desperately want it to be easier, you desperately want your sleep back but yet you don’t want your baby to change, you don’t want them to get bigger. It’s a double edged sword.

So instead of rushing along I am making a point to enjoy every single day no matter how tired, how frustrated. I will cherish every single waking moment with my son while he is so little…. And take it from me it is FLYING by already. I keep hearing songs and the words ring in my ears daily..

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Don't blink, just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife.
Don't blink, you just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed. And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think. So don't blink

So true… a hundred years is coming like a freight train and I want to freeze this moment in time, soak it all in, milk it for all it’s worth.


Other than freaking out about how quickly this is going I am back to enjoying my little dude! I feel like my normal self, thankfully, the Postpartum Depression is an ugly beast in my rear view mirror. All of our daily tasks are getting easier. Going out with the boy is almost like second nature now it’s much easier than before! My husband has been amazing and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Just last night he took Holden out of my arms while I was feeding him at dinner time and said “give him to me, you need to eat” I insisted it was fine and that he could eat first and he said “NO! You’ve had him all day long, you haven’t had any time to yourself, give him to me and I’ll feed him so you can eat dinner.” I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is when he does things like that, I am so lucky…. really lucky. The dogs are also doing a lot better, Kane hasn’t had any outbursts lately. And what else… I have my pre-pregnancy body back, I’ve even lost 10 lbs more than I was before getting pregnant. Now it’s just time to tone the abs back up… ugh… I know everyone is curious what your body looks like post partum so I’ll indulge you all with a couple of pictures. A little bit of work still to do but not too shabby I guess. I am wondering when my linea nigra is going to go away though…



And that’s the update… 6 weeks down… wow! Read more!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

And..... Colic....

Ugh! Yes add Colic to the list of crappiness... my poor baby is screaming 80% of his day and there is nothing I can seem to do to comfort him. All they keep telling us is "they eventually out-grow it" yea ok doc eventually, and eventually I'm going ot have a nervous break down dealing with this screaming all day and night. I want to drop him off on the docs door step and let him spend a day with the "colic" and see how he feels about eventually after he's done.

Blah... that's the only update I can muster at the moment ya'll. I'll post pics soon. Read more!

Monday, December 7, 2009

My Bout With Postpartum Depression

The Thanksgiving holiday was supposed to be a time of joy and getting together with family, everyone excited to have a new addition to celebrate with. What it turned into was a complete living hell that was upon me before I could even form the words to describe what I was going through. Long story short we were surrounded by the usual holiday craziness with a baby who was suffering from relentless gas from his formula. We had just switched his formula that morning but had spent the two nights prior up all night with a screaming baby, we were all exhausted. We ended up in the mountains as we usually do for the holidays, we had all of the baby gear jammed in the car, all of the dogs, we were ready to set up shop. Unfortunately, as hard as we tried to replicate our “home” environment it just wasn’t the same being away from our home, our nest.

The night ended up just as the past two had been, with a screaming baby who would drift off for 10 minute stretches and wake up screaming. Shaun and I were trying everything we could to comfort him. Top that with a dog that decided to start puking and having bloody diarrhea as soon as we arrived at our destination and it was a recipe for disaster. I was pleading to go home at 2:00 in the morning! We ended up leaving the following afternoon and I felt a sense of relief knowing that soon we’d be back in our home, with our routine, much more at peace. I bawled the entire car ride home about how I felt like I was a failure, I couldn’t even handle a weekend trip with a 3 week old baby, I must be the worst mom in the world. My feelings over the past days had intensified so much I just didn’t even know what to think. I was sure that “hormones” were playing a part in my misery but that’s as far as I took it.

We ended up back home, back to our routine, and it definitely eased my anxiety but the problem was far from fixed. Over the next couple of days I spiraled downward very quickly. I became increasingly agitated and restless, I couldn’t sit still and felt like my skin was crawling but yet I had no motivation to even pick myself up off of the couch. Going out anywhere was laughable so I continued to pace around the house, sit down, get up, fix a drink, get a snack, sit down, get up, it continued for hours. I finally took 3 Advil PM at 5:00 in the evening to knock myself out, I literally had no idea what else to do with myself.

I was absolutely miserable and the hopelessness I felt seemed insurmountable. How in the world was I going to do this?! How in the world was I going to survive having a child?! I kept thinking that we’d made a mistake that we never should’ve had a baby. I would be out in public staring blankly at everyone with children from infants up to teenagers and I would think “How in the world did they do it? How does ANYONE have children? This is sooooo hard!” All I could think about was how hard this was. I had no desire to take care of my baby, I felt like a complete failure as a mother. We tried to go out and have lunch at a restaurant and I looked at my husband and kept saying “aren’t you anxious right now? Aren’t you worried about him?!” and he looked at me like I was completely insane! He kept telling me that the baby was FINE, he’s so easy, this isn’t hard. And I couldn’t wrap my head around that… to me this was NOT easy… I felt like I was on a different planet.

Every moment of the day I was anxious, I was worried. I was worried that he would wake up fussing, worried that he’d be up all night, worried about the next feeding, and changing, worried that he’d have gas, worried that we’d bother people if he cried. I was so anxious. It was awful, I literally hadn’t eaten anything in close to a week, NOTHING. I was dropping 2-3 pounds every other day when I’d get on the scale and this was weight that I didn’t have to lose, I was already at my pre-pregnancy weight.

I felt a huge sense of failure as a mother since I wasn’t handling it as expected. I mean here I was living the dream that I have always had, I had everything that I’ve ever wanted in life and yet I still wasn’t happy. Talk about guilt…. I would tell myself “You’re still not happy, what’s it going to take to be happy then?!!” I felt like I was letting my son down, my husband down, myself down, the dogs down. I mean I couldn’t even breastfeed my baby, that’s the ultimate sense of failure, I couldn’t even provide nourishment for my baby! What was WRONG with me??! The guilt was overwhelming.

I finally decided to start looking up Postpartum Depression online when my husband and I were discussing it. I was open to admitting it if that were the case simply because I knew there was treatment and that I could stop feeling so awful, that was my only saving grace to admit it. I had heard the term Postpartum Anxiety mentioned in a chat forum and I thought that the anxiety aspect more described what I was feeling. So I started researching PPA. I found the most amazing website that broke down the symptoms of PPD and PPA and actually a whole series of postnatal mood disorders that I never even knew existed. After looking over the symptoms I realized that I definitely had a handful of them on each list, and so I set out to get in with my doctor.

I was talking with the nurse practitioner about my symptoms, she agreed that I should go on an anti-depressant to help stabilize my mood. And right before our conversation ended, the nurse in me decided to ask her if the new medication would have any interactions with the Reglan I was taking to increase my milk supply. She promptly said “OH? You’re taking Reglan?” and proceeded to inform me that Reglan itself can cause depression! It was like a lightbulb went off, as I had been increasing my dosage of Reglan for my broken boobs I had started going downhill right into the holiday.

Needless to say I immediately discontinued using the Reglan and at the same time started taking the Zoloft. Within just a day or two I noticed an improvement and after a week now I am feeling back to my normal self. I have good parts of the day and still bad parts of the day but all in all I feel so much better. I am back to enjoying my baby and I’m not flipping out about him crying or having gas every waking moment of the day. It seems silly to my now how bad I was acting, how anxious I was, but it was very real at the time. My appetite is getting back to normal. I have motivation to get out and do things now and I’m soooooo incredibly thankful that I reached out to get help. I was bawling again as I read the list of symptoms to my husband, every one of them hit a chord in me and made me feel even worse of a failure. Just admitting that I had PPD/PPA was like a failure in itself, like “why can’t I just handle this like everyone else does?” Again WHAT is wrong with me.

I realize now that this is stupid, PPD/PPA and the like are the result of a CHEMICAL imbalance in your brain and nothing that is in your control! Without medication to regulate your hormones it will not “fix” itself no matter how much effort you put into it.

My main problem with the “illness” is everyone else’s judgment. When people hear “Postpartum Depression” they automatically think that you want to hurt your baby or commit suicide. It is SOOO much more than that! There is an entire spectrum of feelings related to PPD and many women never reach the end of this spectrum. I never wanted to hurt my baby or myself, never even crossed my mind, but I knew that something was definitely “off” and it wasn’t getting better. My goal in all of this is to educate people so that more women feel confident in getting the help that they need, so they aren’t ashamed to reach out. PPD and similar disorders affect 20% of women and this is only the ones that actually report it, the true number is likely higher. We aren’t alone here and there is no shame in getting help, I am proof that it does work and that you don’t have to “suffer it out.”

If you are unsure if what you’re going through is PPD please visit this website, it was a godsend to me and an excellent resource!

http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/postpartum-depression-psychosis-ocd-whats-wrong-with-me.html Read more!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

My breastfeeding hell thanks to my busted boobs!!

Breastfeeding, Formula, Pumping, bring it on! I was dead set on breastfeeding my son, afterall, that’s the natural way to go, it’s free, it’s easy, that’s just what you do. When our little guy was born so tiny I opted to give him formula in the hospital until my milk came in since he couldn’t afford to be dropping any weight. We attempted to breastfeed every time that we gave him a bottle but neither of us really knew what we were doing. He was able to latch on a couple of times but would instantly fall asleep. We met with the lactation consultant on our last day to find out what I was doing “wrong” and she informed me that my technique was perfect he was just your ‘typical late pre-term baby’. This means that he is healthy and perfect like a full term baby but he eats like a premie. She assured us that the closer we got to his actual due date the better things would be, that he’d be stronger, and to just be patient. So for 2 weeks I didn’t stress about the breastfeeding, we’d try at almost every meal and he’d get frustrated, wouldn’t latch, and we’d give him a bottle. I had rented a breastpump from the hospital and I’d pump during waking hours to keep my supply going.


After his 2 week check up where we found out he was gaining a good amount of weight we decided it was time to attempt the breastfeeding idea exclusively so we met with another lactation consultant. We got him latched on with the help of a nipple shield, something many premies need and something that many bottle fed babies need to help with nipple confusion. It was great, the first time he’d latched since leaving the hospital! Next issue up was my milk supply which pretty much sucked so we came up with a plan to build the milk supply. First, was pumping round the clock 24 hours a day which meant when Shaun was doing his night feeding, instead of sleeping, I had to be up to pump. Then I was given an herbal supplement with Fenugreek to help increase my body’s production of milk. And I was given a prescription medication, Reglan, to also help the production. So we had a plan, it was going to be a LOT of work, but I was determined to do it.

Bring on the triple feeding!!! At each feeding, every 3 hours, we would attempt to breastfeed for a half an hour, then give him a bottle of formula, and THEN I would pump. All in all, it took about an hour to an hour and a half for the whole sha-bang and quickly our days became much more exhausting. It seemed like as soon as you were done feeding him, it was time to go sanitize everything and start all over again! Add that to no more sleep at night since I had to be pumping and it became very overwhelming very quickly, but again I was determined so I continued to suffer.

Fast forward a little bit. My supply had increased…. Barely… prior to any intervention I was pumping at best 2 oz. total per 25 minute session. Afterward, I was pumping at best 3-4 oz. per session whereas most women I talked with would get 8-10 oz. in 10 minutes! The lactation consultant said that the hospital should’ve provided me with a pump while we were there and since I went those 3 days without any “simulation” it dramatically messed up my supply. I guess now I know for next time? I slowly started to see that even though my supply had increased, it was no where near where I needed it to be and with this amount of intense work I didn’t think it was really worth it.

And then we move to 2 weeks later where I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, where I find out that Reglan, my little milk supply increaser medication has a side effect of causing depression!! Something I was never told! So needless to say, no more Reglan and thus I believe we are done with the breastfeeding idea. It became a source of stress when it was supposed to un-complicate things. But I can’t help but feel a sense of failure about it, I’m a mom, I’m supposed to be able to feed my baby…. Breastfeeding would make everything so simple, but instead we get to deal with expensive formula, bottle sanitizing, packing the diaper bag up with ice packs, having to track down warm water to heat a bottle when we’re out, ughhh but I’ve come to terms with it and I’m ok with it. My busted boobs have let me down but I guess there’s always room to try on the next one…


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Friday, December 4, 2009

My love will fly to you each night on angels wings...

For my little man


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So now we’re home with our baby!


I can tell all new moms out there that having your baby home is wonderful but also a big adjustment just from the hospital. Now it’s time to figure out your daily routine, in your own home, with your own things. Add the constant visitors and you’ve got a recipe for exhaustion. You almost want to go into hiding until you’ve halfway “figured” things out but you can’t do that. All of your friends and family are just as excited about the baby as you are and they want to come see you, see the baby actually, and really it’s a good thing to feel so loved and supported but yes it does add to the extreme exhaustion. I made sure to ask everyone to at least call before coming over and if we didn’t answer the phone that meant we were napping so not to just show up. This helped us a lot and at least saved us from being barged in on. We were also lucky to receive freezer meals from our awesome support system which took a load off at dinner time, the last thing you want to have to worry about is what to prepare, and god forbid you have to leave the house to go to the grocery store!


The first few nights went as I had expected, he slept well but he’s still an infant and so there was little sleep for any of us. After two nights of both of us getting up with him for feedings we quickly realized that we needed a system to help each of us get some uninterrupted sleep. So we split the 2 nighttime feedings, Shaun would take the first one, I’d take the second. There was no need for both of us to be up and this system has worked really great for us. We also learned not to change his diaper in the middle of the night unless he’s “complaining” if he’s ok then don’t mess with him! We change him at his late evening feeding right when we put him to bed but after that not again until the morning, unless there’s a blow-out!


We gave Holden his first bath and he was not a happy camper! We managed to get through it screaming and all. And now he smells lovely, however, Daddy and I learned that baby lotion is not tear free like the shampoos are… yea Dad went to lotion him up and got some in his eye and it was swollen and red for a good 2 hours. Poor guy! We’re all learning this together… And I can tell you that he MUCH prefers to be submerged in the water instead of sitting in the infant “sling” part of the tub. The screaming is much better this way.

We have had him on an eating schedule, every 3 hours during the day and 4 hours at night. Like I said, Dad takes the early feeding at 2:30am and I take the late one at 6:30am so we both get some uninterrupted sleep. It’s working great and he was already gaining weight at his 8 day check up so we must be doing something right. We do have to wake him every time to feed him since like I said he is a great sleeper. A lot of people say to never wake the sleeping baby and refuse to wake their child to eat thinking they’ll wake up if they’re hungry. However, in our case, our little guy is tiny and needs to put some meat on his bones, he can not afford to lose ANYTHING, so we are diligently waking him to feed him so that he starts packing on the pounds. There’s no way that I’d let a barely 5 lb baby sleep through feedings, I mean he would go 6 or 7 hours if we didn’t force him and he’d be in bad shape. We started out increasing his feedings by 10 ml every day until he reached 2 oz feedings. He ate 2 oz. per feeding up until about 3 ½ weeks old when he all of a sudden jumped to 4 oz! By chance after one feeding we offered him some more since he seemed to be hungry still and he sucked it down. So right now we’re at 4 oz. per feeding at 4 weeks old holy cow!

We have discovered that we despise Huggies diapers and much prefer Pampers. They seem to fit a lot better, he’s in premie size, and the tabs themselves seem much more secure. At this point we’re going through about 6-8 diapers a day.


We’ve taken the boy out of the house a ton between doctors visits, newborn pictures, grocery store trips, and now the holidays. It isn’t as bad as I had pictured, you just have to pack the diaper bag carefully before heading out and then you just do what you can. If your appointment runs longer than expected and runs into meal time you find a place to sit down and feed him. You really have to learn to be flexible which is much easier said than done but I’m learning.

The dogs (our 3 labradors) are adjusting to their new sibling as well as I could’ve expected. We did the bring the blanket home from the hospital thing. We also started preparing them at least 6 weeks ahead of time. They were booted from our room to their own “room” to sleep at night and they were banned from the couches except on rare occasion. So now they are mostly just curious about the thing that squeeks and makes noises. We also made sure that they were formally introduced with me holding them above their level as to show dominance, so that they understand that the baby is still dominant over them. And in the same regard they are not allowed in the room while I am feeding him because in a dog “pack” the mother never allows other pack members around while the babies are eating. So we used a lot of dog psychology techniques which are working well so far. I have to thank the Dog Whisperer (I am a HUGE fan) for helping us understand dog mentality and teaching us some helpful tips for this! I know everyone is curious about the barking, well we are blessed with a sound sound sound sleeper! And even with all 3 dogs carrying on about the postman he never wakes or cries. We never leave the baby unattended with the dogs around, even as wonderful as they are, none would harm a soul! You just have to be vigilant, it’s a new scenario which calls for extra precaution. We have had a couple of incidents with our alpha male making “statements” about his views on the baby including going to the bathroom on the nursery rug and marking the glider a couple of times…. Thanks Kane we really needed ANOTHER mess to clean up. It’s an adjustment for all of us what can I say…


Other than that we are just adjusting day by day to our new guy! It isn’t that hard in all honesty, the physical aspect of feeding, changing, bathing. It’s the emotional aspect that I have been surprised by. It’s a constant feeling of being a fish out of water, what do I do next, is this normal, etc. I spend a good part of my day trying to relax and enjoy the ride and not try to “control” so much and just let it be… but it is a learning period for sure! Read more!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Don't Blink.... you don't want to miss a thing...


But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.

~Ruth Hulburt Hamilton


Stollen from another new mommy and brought me to tears remembering to cherish these days as they won't last forever, no matter how many bad days we have, this is my vow to cherish them all! Read more!

Getting through it...

So it's been a rough few weeks here at the Farrell house... we've been dealing with all kinds of issues from gas and formula switches, to fussiness and sleepless nights, to breastfeeding hell and post partum depression. So I apologize for the lack of posts but know that I am jotting down all of my experiences and when I have the time I'll outline it for everyone, the good the bad and the ugly! What can I say this motherhood thing is no piece of cake but I'm getting through it, one. step. at. a. time... Read more!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Holden 2 weeks 5 days old....

Our DIY newborn photos.... just shy of his actual due date....































































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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

They don’t call it labor for nothing! My little guy's long birth story!

We headed into the hospital at 7:00 pm to start the induction. First we were settled into our room which I must say was like a luxury hotel suite, it was HUGE! Talk about plush, there was a pull out sofa for dad to sleep on, zero gravity recliners for other visitors, a flat screen tv with games, educational videos and movies on demand, the free room service menu including things like jumbo sea scallops, lamb top sirloin, and pork medallions, I mean even the bathroom was plush complete with hair dryer, and decorative curtain valance for the tub! After taking pictures of all of the “amenities” we got ready for a night of interventions. I was checked and the games began with me at a fingertip dilated and 60% effaced. I was given Prostin, similar to Cervidil, every 4 hours to help ripen the cervix and then we waited until the morning to see what the game plan would be.

My body actually started laboring on it’s own after 2 doses of the Prostin but we went ahead with another dose because it would just further things along. Once the doctor came in the following morning we started the Pitocin. I was now at 1 cm and 75% effaced and the plan was to break my water at noon. In the meantime, the contractions started coming full force and getting pretty painful. Everything that people said about Pit was true, at least I think so since I’ve never done this before! It became painful quickly that’s all I know… At this point, I didn’t want to get the epidural yet because I didn’t want it to slow things down and I didn’t want to be tied to my bed that early. I held out for a couple more hours and then asked for some IV pain meds to tide me over. I was given Stadol which worked great to knock out the pain but the OB came in 30 minutes later to break my water and she decided to crank the Pitocin at the same time so it was a double whammy. And ladies and gentlemen buckle your seatbelts! The contractions immediately became completely out of control every 2 minutes at most, I was soon shaking from the pain and I was begging for the epidural. The nurse told me that they’d rather I wait it out a little bit longer until there was some progress with my cervix, because I was still at 1-2 cm and 75% effaced, so I attempted to hold out for longer. I made it one hour until I was absolutely spent and told the nurse that I didn’t care anymore I needed meds and I needed them NOW!

About 30 minutes later they came in to do the epidural which was a piece of cake. After dealing with those contractions a little needle stick was nothing to fear! It felt similar to getting a tattoo for just a few seconds and the needle was in and out. I was doing my best to keep it together because I was still getting contractions every 2 minutes and shaking uncontrollably through them. At last the catheter was placed and I was anxious for the relief. Unfortunately, I ended up being one of the lucky people whose epi doesn’t work like planned. It only took on one half of my body. GREAT! They tried tipping me over to one side and ultimately replaced the catheter to attempt to get it positioned correctly but it never worked. The only solution was to crank the meds up to where it relieved pain on the side it wasn’t working fully but this made the other side 100% numb to where I couldn’t even lift my leg. The pain was manageable at this point, I could deal with only feeling the pain on one side and I was more comfortable for about another hour or two. Once the epidural was placed Shaun ended up going to run some errands since it looked like I was going to be here for quite some time, afterall I had only dilated 1 full cm since we came into the hospital! But it seemed that as soon as he left the pain returned on that one side with avengence! I started shaking again and called for the nurse to bring the anesthesiologist back in to do something. But the nurse sent her to the wrong room so it took an HOUR for her to come in and fix me. In this hour I was dying! I was sooo nauseous they ended up giving me Zofran to keep me from puking and finally the lady came in to fix the meds. She cranked up the epidural, gave me another bolus, and a shot of Fentanyl which took the edge off one more time. The nurse checked me after this and all of a sudden I was 6-7 cm! I scrambled to get a hold of Shaun and tell him to get back to the hospital quickly! The shaking continued and the nurses said I was transitioning and started preparing the baby bassinette area. Shortly after Shaun showed up I was checked again, now at 8-9 cm 100 % effaced and baby was “right there”. The doctor went to get changed and it was time to push once she returned. Holy cow that was fast!

Pushing was overall very painful because the meds and epi started to wear off once again, so I pretty much felt everything on my left side. We ran into some issues with the baby’s heart rate during the contractions which apparently happens more frequently in babies that are small. His heart rate would drop to the 50’s (normal is 140 bpm) during contractions and the doctor told us after about 3 pushes that we may need to use a vacuum to get him out because it wasn’t safe to have his heart rate continue dropping this way for a long time. So this was my motivation to push like a maniac. I was told that I pushed amazing for a first timer but honestly I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything. I kept thinking if I’m pushing so great then why isn’t he out! But I kept on going… it seemed like I was there for 7 hours just pushing. I was getting exhausted and I was still shaking uncontrollably from the pain. I was on the oxygen mask and it all just became very overwhelming. I just couldn’t seem to get him under my pelvic bone so he would come out and then slide back and come out and slide back no matter what I did. We then started pushing 4 times per contraction instead of 3 and I just didn’t have anything left. I told her I had one more good set of pushes in me so she got the vacuum ready just to help him under the pelvic bone and I gave it my all. 4 pushes later he was out thank GOD!! As soon as he was out I felt a burning sensation and asked frantically if I had torn, Shaun looked at me and said “babe she had to cut you”. I guess the vacuum popped off of his head as he was almost out and he started sliding back in and she grabbed the scissors, cut me, and grabbed his head. I got a last minute/emergency episiotomy to top it all off!!

Holden Liam was born at 8:32 pm November 5th after just less than an hour of pushing. Our little guy weighed in at 5 lbs 3 oz and 18 3/4 inches long. He was staring all around the room from the moment he came out of the womb, eyes wide open, very alert. He was taken to the nursery to be suctioned soon after because he had some fluid in his lungs, but he was back in the room with us about an hour later and has been doing fantastic ever since! He is absolutely precious and already looks like a little man, not your typical newborn. It is truly amazing that he came out of me, I just can’t wrap my head around it…. Our beautiful baby boy is finally here and he was worth every second of discomfort these past 9 months and every minute of my crazy labor! I am amazed at myself for doing it, I actually did this… he is here… I just can’t believe it, he is here at last!! Read more!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

36 weeks: All coming to an end…

(In my Halloween costume... 36 weeks!)

What a rollercoaster this experience has been. Aside from the normal ups and downs of pregnancy I feel like with all of the extra little issues we’ve had I haven’t been able to catch my breath in 9 months… I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when my precious son enters this world and I can finally look into his eyes and know that he is here and he is ok. And what a surreal feeling to look down and say, I did this, I made him, I grew him inside of me, I nourished him, sacrificed for him, and he’s here… after all of this, he is here.

So this is my last week of being pregnant and that is a weird thought! 9 months is a long time! You almost adapt to this new way of living only to be tossed upside down again when it’s time to deliver. I have really starting getting used to the aches and pains, tiredness and clumsiness, shortness of breath, and trouble moving around.

It is also our last week of being “non parents” we are kid free for 7 more days. I got out of my car yesterday while running errands and it was a blizzard outside. It occurred to me as I went running into the store that it was going to be so different now that I will have to buckle and unbuckle the baby now every time that I get out of the car! It’s going to be a much more complicated process and a lot harder in the snow. Little things like that are about to be so different, so we will be doing our best to celebrate and enjoy each other and our kidless freedom in the next week.

And the induction date has arrived…
We were surprised to learn that our induction date has been moved up and so this will be my last pregnant post! Tonight we head in to get things going and I should be holding my son tomorrow. I had a nervous breakdown last night after learning that this was it… I went through every emotion possible and bawled my eyes out most of the night. My thoughts ranged from what the heck did we get ourselves into, we’re not ready for this, to I’m going to be a MOM, and just pure elation. I feel like I’m schizophrenic and I go from crying to laughing in a split second.

I had not planned on going in for the induction yet, we were supposed to have one more day to wrap things up, one more day to spend time together, see a movie, clean the house, a million things on the to-do list. And now we’ve been ambushed… we are going in tonight!

Driving home with my hubby last night was the hardest thing I’ve done so far, we sat there in silence together pondering what is about to happen. A chapter of our lives together is over tomorrow and another chapter begins. He kept looking over at me smiling and wiping my tears, neither one of us knowing how to process what was going on. We had a snuggle fest in the bed last night, our last night of being the only way we know how to be. We cuddled with the dogs in the bed and held each other close. Our last night of good sleep, our last night of being just the two of us… we cried and talked and shared our excitement and fears. And dozed off together for the very last time as a family of two… tonight we go in to meet our son… after all of this time we will be holding him in our arms… Read more!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Utterly Yours Pregnancy Pillow Review

I had the privilege of trying out this pregnancy pillow and I was excited to find something to help relieve all of the aches and pains that make sleeping nearly impossible these days! This little pillow is really cute and I like how compact it was, easy to tote around unlike a lot of the other types out there. It comes in a little square package with an attractive pattern and color. Overall I think that this wedge type pillow is a good option for sleeping problems during pregnancy. It props your back up so that you can easily stay on your side and it supports underneath the belly keeping your spine from twisting awkwardly. I really liked the memory foam in the belly side, it sucks up nicely to your stomach! I would say that it solves a good majority of the back issues from sleeping but I wish that it was larger because I found myself using more pillows along with it to get completely comfortable. The only other issue that it doesn’t tackle is the hip pain, you still have to put a pillow between your legs to keep the hips from aching. In this regard the larger and bulkier pillows may solve the discomforts better but you also have to deal with their bulkiness. So depending on how uncomfortable you are at this stage in your pregnancy there are a million options to ease your pain. I’d recommend the Utterly Yours pillow but be aware that you’ll need to rig a few other pillows with it if you have every ache and pain that I seem to have! Happy sleeping…

Get your very own at http://www.utterlyyours.com/
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

35 Weeks: WHAT?? Induction. Soon. Let me go faint really quick!!

We had our regular appointment this week with a growth ultrasound and then we were given the shock of our lives! Apparently our little guy has kind of dropped on the growth curve all of a sudden. At previous appointments he was measuring right on track even ahead at times but I guess his abdominal measurement has now slowed down considerably, about 2 ½ weeks behind. His fluid level is also on the lower end. So the doctors sent us off to the high risk center for another ultrasound and the results were the same, a small tummy and borderline fluid. What does all of this mean? Well basically it looks like the placenta “may” be beginning to fail in which case the baby would do better growing outside of the womb rather than inside. That means that the docs are looking to pull the plug and get the little guy out, and they want him out pretty soon. I was told that we will be looking at an induction somewhere around 36-37 weeks!! So we are kind of in a holding pattern for the time being, I go in two times a week to check on the baby and to do growth and fluid checks and really anything could happen at any one of these visits. So each time I go in I’m prepared to be told “it’s time!” and head over to the hospital.

Pretty crazy news huh!! We certainly weren’t expecting this! I’m very thankful that if there were going to be any issues with the boy that they waited until 35 weeks to pop up because a 36-37 week baby is considered “full term” to the docs. They are confident that he is going to be perfectly healthy just “skinny.” His other measurements are all right on track, he’s reaching all of the developmental milestones, breathing, swallowing, etc. So he’s just ready to come out I guess.

So now what?! We are scrambling to get things done! We will be finishing the nursery, installing the car seat, packing the hospital bag, and getting the house 100% ready for his arrival. We had to go out and buy a new coming home outfit since the one we have will be too big. His growth checks at this appointment came in at 4.0 lbs, 4.8 lbs, and 4.14 lbs so he’s pretty little! We got him a little premie outfit and had to buy some more little clothes but I’m hoping to get one more pound on him before he comes out, my fingers are crossed.

I’m pretty apprehensive about the idea of induction because it boosts your chances of ending up with a c-section. And induction in general just isn’t a “natural” experience, you’re forcing your body into something which I’d rather not do. But there are positives too, I know when we’re going, I can make sure to shower and get ready before heading to the hospital, and I can mentally prepare myself. And so the countdown truly is on…. Our Turkey baby has turned into a Pumpkin baby!!
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Week 34: Negative FFN, pondering the future, and maternity pics!

So good news, our FFN test came back negative! Cheers from the docs, we WILL keep this guy cooking for 2 more weeks.

We decided to celebrate by having a weekend alone, probably our last getaway before the little guy arrives. We headed up to the mountains where the weather was beautiful and most importantly we were able to relax, eat, and snuggle on the couch with movies. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling at this point, I am sad that this “just us time” is coming to an end…. It will no longer be the two of us but the three of us. I almost feel like you go through the stages of grief when this finally occurs to you because it really is a “loss”, it’s the end of one chapter of your life. Now obviously it is the beginning of the next amazing phase of life and I am beyond overjoyed at the thought of it, but I will definitely admit that I’m clinging to these last days where hubby and I can be just the two of us. And with that there are so many things that I find myself thinking, “this is the last time I’ll do this” or “this is the last time I’ll do this without a baby.” It really starts hitting you just how different life is about to be. It’s a complete flood of emotions… and usually what follows these thoughts are more thoughts of “am I going to be able to do this?” “am I going to be a good mom” It’s no joke this parenting thing and I’m overflowing with happiness and anxiety at the same time. I guess the pregnancy process has a way of preparing you for what’s ahead, the worry, the joy, the unknown, the pain, the wonder, the chaos, the laughter…

On a lighter note, we had the pleasure of doing our maternity photoshoot this week. The pictures are amazing, I couldn’t have asked for a better keepsake. A great family friend just so happens to be an amazing photographer and happened to be in town so we were lucky enough to capture this surreal moment in time with her lens. The weather held out for us and the photos are truly beautiful. I can’t wait to hang some in the nursery to remind of me of how our little guy got here. Read more!

Friday, October 23, 2009

When you realize that your baby is coming... SOON... this is what happens...

Wow… 35 weeks huh… I look back now and it brings tears to my eyes to think about how we got here... I mean the LONG look back. I remember the first time I met my future husband, I remember what he was wearing and the conversation we had. I still laugh at how shy he was while we were dating and how I almost had to force him into our first kiss. Introducing him to my family and meeting his for the first time… and the first words out of everyone’s mouths was always “you guys will have some beautiful children”… I remember the look on his face when he bent down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He held the ring box upside down and was shaking and I almost collapsed with happiness. Then came the wedding and I’ve never been so excited to see him in my life. As I turned the corner in my wedding dress with my Dad I saw the most amazing man standing at the end of the aisle… there was my future… standing down there waiting for me. We were completely lost in each other the whole night. I remember our honeymoon, it was true bliss, we were like little kids in a candy shop. I’ll never forget the smile on his face while we rode a Harley to all of the beaches and ate bologna sandwiches overlooking the island. I remember the night we decided we were ready to start a family and laughing together about the fact that we actually just made this decision. I can remember the look in his eyes every month of trying to conceive that we were unsuccessful, there was always hope and strength in those eyes which I leaned on greatly month after month. And then I got the positive pregnancy test, I could barely contain my excitement but I wanted to make it special for the love of my life. I came up with an elaborate plan to tell him. I had to look away while he opened the gifts that would tell him he was going to be a daddy... He looked up at me and whispered “no way!” and both of us burst into tears. We were both in shock. I remember how tightly he hugged me and that I never wanted him to let me go, it was the happiest moment of my life outside of saying my vows to the man I love. I remember how he held my hand at our first ultrasound when we got to see our baby’s heart beating away… again there was our future… beating away on the screen before us. And week after week has come and gone. Now we have a finish line in sight and a brand new door to walk through. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when our son takes his first breath and it finally hits us that we are someone’s mommy and daddy and that our journey to making a baby has turned into a lifetime journey of parenthood. I can’t wait to meet my son… my future… the next love of my life.


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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What's new this week!

This week... well I have a "deep sinus infection/bronchitits" joy! On some antibiotics to help with these crazy coughing fits, gotta love the pregnancy immune system it pretty much sucks! But good news, we did our maternity pics and they are beautiful. Here's a sneak peek until I have the rest of them... so beautiful... big thanks to http://katiemckenzie.com/ great job!!


A couple of fun purchases this week too. The Curious George clock for little dude's room and a knit baby cocoon for his newborn pictures, both Etsy finds!










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