I'm Sexy And I know It...

Babysitter + Hubbs and I + good friends + Urban beer hunt (think Amazing Race with costumes and booze...) + 80's aerobics wear = fantastic day of enjoying life and forgetting about the craziness ever so briefly. Needed that. Read more!

A birthday with nothing to celebrate...

Christmas 2011...

Today is my birthday... I remember celebrating last year, I was 8 months pregnant with Baby D and it was my baby shower day. I had a new dress, super cute shoes, it was a happy day. I was full of anticipation of my new little dude's arrival, wasn't sure if he'd be here early like his brother or right on time (turns out the latter of the two would prevail). I was anxious, physically exhausted, counting the minutes of each day, realizing how much I hadn't done that needed to be finished, I had a lump in my throat thinking about just how much our lives were going to change...

This year is eerily similar, but there is no baby arriving. Instead we've recently received the news that my Dad's cancer is back. It is now Stage 4. The doctors have given him 2-4 years best case scenario with intense chemo treatment.

So I sit here with a lump in my throat in shock over how quickly one's life can change, anxious, physically exhausted, counting the precious minutes and hours of each of these last memories together realizing how many things are unfinished.... I am not ready to live this life without my Dad around. I'm not ready to think about our last Christmas... our last hunting trip... our last conversation... my last birthday with him. I'm so not ready for this and I'm so angry. I want to throatpunch the doctors, HOW DID THEY MISS THIS?! I want to scream and kick and cry. And I want to curl up in a ball and hide away forever. I am physically ill just thinking about it and there isn't a

single.
thing.
I.
can.
do.
about it...

Devastation can't even come close. I feel like someone has ripped my heart right out of my chest. Like someone is suffocating me until I can't breathe.

How does one begin to live when they know their expiration date. To me it has done the opposite of what most would think.. instead of "over-living" and going out there and making the most of it I feel like it stops you from living. Stops you dead in your tracks. Everything in my world is depressing right now. A beautiful sunrise is tainted by the sickening feeling that there will only be so many more of these that my Dad will enjoy. A tender moment between my sons and Grampa is almost too much to watch anymore because I know that my children will never really get to know and remember him.

Every day right now is spent realizing how finite our time here is, how cruel and unfair life is, and instead of it being a gift as everyone would love to encourage you about. It isn't people. Death isn't a goddamn gift, it is crushing to all those left behind. Call it selfish... I didn't choose this and I don't want it.

People try to say the "right" thing... they try to tell you that at least you get to have this time, however short it may be, at least you get to say goodbye, now you can make the most of this time, etc. They try to say 'just think about everything you have to be thankful for, everything that is good in your life, focus on that.' Well let me saw off your arm, lay it on your kitchen table for you to gaze upon every hour of the day, and you go ahead and try to think of all the good things.... let me know how that goes for you. I realize they are trying to be helpful, it makes sense that saying something along those lines would help but it doesn't and that's not their fault, it's mine. I could choose to focus on the good of life rather than this crap but right now I can't. I suppose I'll get there.... I certainly hope so, for the sake of my husband and children... they deserve to have a mom and wife that relishes each day, not one that is shut down and flat and impatient. If it weren't for them I wouldn't get out of my bed. Ever. So I'm thankful they are in my life because I'm not sure what would be happening right now if they weren't.

My Dad is in pretty good spirits... as good as you could be I guess. He puts on a brave face but I know he is just as shocked as I am. When he called to tell me what the docs said I was literally dumbfounded... I said "so that's it????????" and he said "yep, that's it, kid" trying to compose himself. I hung up the phone and went outside and fell to my knees. I sat on my back porch bawling wanting so badly to just go away, to wake up from this dream. When I got to the hospital I fell into his arms and sobbed... all this time I've tried to be strong and I just couldn't fake it anymore... he held me and told me it was going to be ok and all I could say over and over again was "I'm so sorry Dad.......................... God I'm so sorry"

"It's ok honey.... It's going to be ok"

My heart breaks for him, I can't even begin to imagine this from his perspective. He is trying to be strong. "Well, looks like I'm going to retire early huh".... "We're just going to make the most of these next 4 years." "I'm gonna ride my bike 130 down the highway, if they pull me over, let them take my license, what else could they possibly take..." This is one of the things I'll miss most about my Dad. His humor and strength are second to none, thinking about that brightens my day. There could be the biggest of giant elephants sitting in the room and he'd find a way to make everyone comfortable about it. Or at least get a laugh.

It's amazing how much can change in a year. In one phone call. My birthday this year is less than happy. I don't feel like celebrating, in fact the word celebration is almost a sick joke to me right now.  My wish for my birthday is for peace, health, and strength for my Dad, myself, and my family as I try to mentally sort out the inevitable... Read more!

Cancer: An evil condition that spreads destructively

If you look up cancer in the dictionary it states: any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively; blight. Well isn't that putting it mildly... destruction is an understatement.

I've been wanting to do a post about what cancer has meant to me.. how this diagnosis, albeit my Father's and not even mine, has literally churned my insides and flipped my life upside down. I joke about therapy, which is ironic because my mom is a psychotherapist, yet I am the type of person that subscribes to the theory of "get over it, shut up, put up, and move on!" (thanks for that, Dad) It's a running joke in the family that there's a reason I'm a nurse and not a therapist because I'd make a HORRIBLE therapist! That's just my personality, I'm not usually one to loathe in self pity and problems and quite honestly have a limited amount of patience for others that do. If that offends anyone... sorry... that's me, like it or leave it. I mean it's like my latest tattoo... "Get up and fight another round"... suck it up and roll with the punches folks, life can suck that's for sure, the goal is to realize the greatness you can experience along with the bad. That being said, I process things differently, I work things out in my own mind.

Part of me working it out in my own head means that I tend to shut down when emotional experiences arise, at least to the outside world. I don't like to talk about my problems, my anxieties, my fear, my anything. I go inward and figure it out on my own and then I come back to "earth". This has been quite an interesting challenge as of lately... more on this later. So here's to processing... in my own head... but outloud on this blog so that I can make some sense of what I'm going through.

The past year has been hell, I'll be honest. I have struggled with complex emotions from the joy of a new baby alongside the devastation of cancer. Losing my uncle to cancer the day after Baby D's birth and my Dad's diagnosis shortly after. This diagnosis has literally effected every single facet of my life inadvertently. I struggle with finding the words to really express just how crazy and awful this has been for me. It has hardened me as a human being, forced me into being "cold" to the outside world all the while being far from "cold" inside. And because of this it has created a rift in my marriage. Exact words out of my husbands mouth one evening were "you know I always figured if something like this was to happen it would bring us closer... and it hasn't... at all".... and he's right. Rather than confiding in my best friend and partner in life I have gone inward to deal with this on my own. I've alienated him and shut him out. A part of me thinks that he could not possibly understand what I'm going through, unless it was his Dad, so there's no point in trying to lean on him for support. But my heart breaks knowing how hard he's trying and I'm just shutting him out. Not to mention my pride... I stand tall no matter what I go through, no one and I mean NO one in my life has ever known the real hardships I've experienced because I always put a brave face on and I do it well. It has been an immense challenge for us, an unwanted challenge mind you and this is just a hint of the "destruction" cancer causes.

This experience has made me question everything about life. It's made me angry. It's made me feel helpless, which pisses me off. And it's made me feel extremely guilty... while I've been focused on my Dad's cancer and treatment I've neglected myself,  my husband, my kids... my BRAND NEW BABY. I feel like I have an almost one year old that I've never truly been able to appreciate, a one year old that hasn't gotten the best of his mommy... a family that's been put on the backburner while I focus on the patriarch, a man who means more to me than I could ever express. Guilt.... overwhelming guilt... tears, that I only cry in the middle of the night into my pillow quietly by myself. Aggghh this feeling is gutwrenching. It's like clawing for your life as you hang from a cliff with one arm slipping farther and farther away.

But oddly enough it hasn't all been bad, which makes it even more overwhelming. This experience has made me realize that I need to appreciate the everyday things. That I need to strive to be a better mom, a better wife, a better student, a better nurse, a better ME. It's really been an eye opener on enjoying the present. Not constantly fighting for the future, for the next step, the next house, the next kid, but stopping and enjoying the NOW. Stepping back I see that there have been good things from this experience, real things that actually have happened to change me, rather than getting caught up in the cute cliche of "appreciate your life, be thankful what you have" I can honestly say I really and truly am experiencing that concept. And it's been subconscious, I haven't had to force myself to adapt these ideas, they've just come about... I take a look around and go, wow for once I'm content with my current surroundings and it feels GOOD! For once in my life I truly feel a sense of calmness and peace about where I am in life. I don't feel like I am on a perpetual stepping stone to the next phase of life. I am happy with where I am and who I am. Honestly for once in my life I am really starting to feel this... surreal to say the least. It is a feeling that no on one the planet can understand unless they have lived it, I mean really they just can't possibly come close to understanding the gravity that this experience carries with it.

As I type I sit here cautiously optimistic after my Dad has been re-admitted to the hospital this morning. His kidneys have stopped functioning, most likely due to scar tissue blocking off the plumbing. So he's laying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of his back, doped up on pain meds, waiting in limbo.... this goddamn limbo I feel like we've been entrapped in for nearly 12 LONG months. Every doctor gives a different story... the primary care resident talking about "soft tissue masses" and "lytic bone lesions" appearing on the CT scan this morning.... aka- cancer. More FUCKING CANCER. I HATE YOU.

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I just want to scream and hit someone in the face... can we ever catch our breath here... ever or is the rest of my life (or moreso my Dad's life) going to involve this constant walking on eggshells feeling... this anxiety and helplessness. What the hell did HE or the rest of us do to deserve this. Here we are sitting in the same shitty hospital 2 rooms away from where we were when this fucking nightmare began a year earlier and yet we're STILL going through this crap. My Dad even has the same nurse.... it's like a twisted deja vu and it makes me angry, so angry... I'm very good at angry.... And as I begin scanning my nursing knowledge of bone cancer, metastatic processes, myeloma, etc and I'm ready to break down. I want to jump out of this 8th floor window. Then the urologist walks in, who I really like and know well (we've been seeing him regularly this whole year), and he says he is very confident that this acute problem is not related to cancer. Long story short, he doesn't think there is any recurrent cancer that is causing this problem, he thinks it's moreso a "plumbing problem" He thinks that the interpretation of the CT results by the radiologist this morning are wrong to put it simply.

So I breathe a sigh of relief... but only briefly because at this point we really just don't know... once I hear the interpretation by the oncologist I will feel more confident in what we're dealing with, until then I continue to hold my breath. Are we about to embark on another nightmare.... or is this just an unwanted bump in the road. I dont have the answers. Limbo... once again. All I know is that I feel at peace about things right now, my intution is saying that everything is fine this time around rather than what it was telling me the last time we were in this godforsaken hospital on this godforsaken 8th floor, 2 rooms away. That time I knew it was BAD news, I knew something was very wrong.... this time I don't feel that way.

And thus we continue our ride on the cancer rollercoaster, it's a bitch folks, not for the faint of heart. And the destruction caused along the way is unimaginable for the great majority....  "sickness, evil, plague, scourge" couldn't even touch this experience... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Read more!

I'm finally breaking up with my Mirena

I'm finally breaking up with my Mirena. For 5 months I've been told to just hang in there, wait it out, deal with the beyond annoying side effects and I'm finally calling it QUITS! Dun-zo. For any MEN out there, STOP reading now. Trust me, this is girl stuff to the max and you don't want to hear about it... any of it, seriously. I also understand that there are tons of women out there who have had no problems with the Mirena and love it. I happen to fall in the other category and I'm posting this info for anyone else out there who is in the same boat, I believe the side effects are HIGHLY under-reported and therefore unknown to most of the women  considering it as their form of birth control. It takes only a few minutes of good old Googling to find a million stories of women who have had serious problems with their Mirena, and lots of side effects that are not even listed on the information packets provided to the general public. I believe it is in need of review by the FDA, personally.

One other quick note, Mirena which is advocated as essentially a 'hormone free' birth control option actually does deliver 20 mcg/day of Levonorgestrel, the same thing as Norplant, the birth control arm implant that has since been discontinued in the US... not to mention the thirty some thousands of lawsuits filed due to the side effects which patients were not warned about (ie-  weight gain, nervousness, anxiety, nausea, vomiting, mastalgia, dizziness, dermatitis/rash, hirsutism, scalp-hair loss, headache, depression, acne and SO many more)... not a good correlation. In fact there are numerous similar pending lawsuits for Mirena. In 2010 the FDA sent a warning letter to the manufacturer stating that their claims are misleading and that they minimize the risks associated with the IUC. It's just not looking good folks...

For those who like Cliff Notes, the following is a concise list of side effects that I've experienced causing me to finally STOP trying to "wait it out" and have it removed as soon as possible! It has been the combined extent and severity of these symptoms that have led to my decision. For those who want the whole details... continue reading for the full story.

- Bleeding... excessively and consistently for 5 months. FIVE months with only a couple of days here and there of reprieve
- Cramping. On a daily basis for the past 5 months ranging from mild to as painful as early labor contractions.
- Bloating, severe bloating folks. Horribly uncomfortable, not to mention the puffy distended abdomen that makes me appear 5-6 months pregnant ALL the time.
- Weight gain. Outside of being pregnant this is the highest the scale has ever read in my life, roughly 5-7 lbs higher than my pre-pregnancy weight.
- ZERO sex drive. Literally zero... for the past 20 weeks!
- Wacky mental state & mood. I am either just flat.. blah... or high or low, there's no gradual inbetween. And no patience for anything. At all.
- Depression. Mild yet still noticeable looking back.
- Fatigue.


5 months may not seem like that long in the grand scheme of things... I suppose I could wait it out until 6 months... 9 mos... or even a year...but things have gotten to a point that they are affecting my daily life in a bad way, to me this means that it's time to throw in the towel. If things were improving I may have a different view but they aren't. I have given it this long PURELY for the fact that it will cost me $800-$1000 to get it re-inserted if I chose to remove it prematurely and changed my mind later.
When I was researching about getting the IUC put in I stumbled across some interesting information about tons of side effects women had experienced that are not reported or under-reported. This article was one that I stopped and thought... hmmm... but I went ahead with it anyway. I figured, if anything, I'd now be aware that there were other side effects possible and just be on the lookout for them. Everything I was told about Mirena from the vast majority of folks including my doc was that it was great, you dont have to worry about anything until you decide to have another kid.

Sounded great, I had always had mild issues with birth control pills in the past, I'm extremely sensitive to the hormones, spent a couple of years trying different ones out. Finally landed on a low dose, monophasic (just one dose the whole month) and I would take it continually (overlapping each month) so that I never got a period. Not too big of a hassle... worked fine but I thought if I could get the Mirena and just pop it in and never think about birth control again until we were ready for another baby that would be fantastic. And we also had the whole clotting issues that I have that may or may not effect my risk of blood clots from standard birth control pills. So with all of that it made perfect sense to go with the Mirena.

I had mine put in at the end of October 2011 when Baby D was about 5 months old. No problems there. I went home expecting to have some severe and annoying bleeding for about a month or so, maybe 6 weeks at most. Well that came and went... it was consistent heavy bleeding every day for around 8 weeks. I just thought well damn I guess I'm one of the outliers that experienced symptoms for longer. Everyone assured me to just wait it out a little bit longer, it'd get better, etc. So I kept waiting.

Well finally the bleeding stopped... so I thought... I then started the never ending spiral. I would get a reprieve for a few days (the longest period of time being 1 full week, and that only occured once) and then the bleeding would be back. Rarely it was light, usually it was heavy (like clots ALL the time as if I was back in my post-partum days after having my kids) I had never experienced that in my life! And you'd throw the cramping in there with it. I would have consistent cramping on a DAILY basis to varying degrees regardless of whether or not I was bleeding at the time. Several times a month I would have cramping so severe that it was identical to my early labor contractions, not your average run of the mill cramps. And of course to go along with all of that you have the bloating. My stomach so distended if I'm not actively flexing and sucking it in that I easily look 5 months pregnant at any given time. At this point I literally weigh the most I ever have in my life outside of being pregnant. I'm not talking 50 lbs but I did seem to jump up to a consistent 5-10 lbs higher than my pre-pregnancy weight, for no reason. My diet hasn't changed, my activity level hasn't changed (if anything I'm more active dealing with 2 kids) the weight has just appeared and hasn't gone anywhere. I have also increased my activity level, changed my eating/drinking habits and decreased portion sizes over the past month and the scale hasn't moved. In a normal world this would at least give me a pound... maybe 3 but nothing is changing. These have been the glaringly obvious side effects... there are more subtle problems (see below) but I keep hearing 'just ride out the storm, it will stop, hang in there.' So I have been.

After the 3 month mark I started thinking Ok seriously... WHEN the hell is this going to let up, this is becoming miserable. What happened to 4-6 weeks of misery... we were going on 12+ and NOTHING had changed, it's not like things were gradually improving, not at all. Talk about beyond annoying, I wasn't even able to use tampons for fear that they may yank the strings out (which I thought had happened back at the 6 week mark) so every day pantiliners... disgusting.

As 3 months turned into 4 and now going on 5 I have started realizing the other more subtle side effects going on. Lack of sex drive would be a total understatement, we're talking ZERO... less than zero... zilch... nothing. And this is NOT like me. I just justified things thinking- well if you constantly felt like you were on your period for 12 weeks you'd have no sex drive either. But really the lack of interest isn't solely due to the annoying cramping, bleeding, and bloating going on... it is clearly mental/hormonal whatever you want to call it. There's nothing coming from my brain to even remotely put me in the mood. That doesn't even touch the awful body image going on with my huge fat belly and weight gain, feeling ugly and crappy is putting it mildly. Mind you, this has been going on for MONTHS now... it has really done a number on my mental state and has been grating on my nerves.

Along the same lines has been some mild depression... I wouldn't say this has been anything overtly obvious, but looking back it is clear for me to realize there is some slight depression going on too. My mood is just wacky... I am either listless and blah with no energy or I have almost bi-polar type of emotions going on, lots of highs and lows, no gradual progressions, just all over the board... pretty much like being pregnant :) I have a lot less energy and less drive to enjoy things that I normally enjoy... not consistently at least. A lot of fatigue, granted I do have a lot on my plate that would wear anyone out but it seems like I'm more tired than I really should be. Everything seems like a hassle a good majority of the time and I feel like I have to gear myself up to do normal tasks. Or I'll be the opposite and completely gung-ho to get things done, it's like there is a limited middleground. I have ZERO patience for even the littlest of things (not that this is a forte of mine anyway) but the smallest things drive me nuts, piss me off, and iritate me to no end. I kind of feel like I'm constantly on edge... Clearly this has provided a challenge for my relationship with my husband and our children. Lack of patience + 2 year old + high needs baby= bad for mommy!

I have tried to take all of this with a grain of salt realizing that the added stress in my life from business/school/new baby et al are undoubtedly contributing to my lack of patience, my fatigue, etc. But I keep thinking back to that info I had read prior to getting the Mirena and keep wondering... hmmm.... If anything I think it's a result of both issues. At least I can control one of these by taking the dang thing out and getting part of me back to normal, right? And bottom line I know that I can take the Mirena out and see if things improve, if not, we'll go from there. I will say that I would not have it inserted again, after the next baby I will not be going back to Mirena.The fact that, even in a small way, it is negatively affecting my every day life is enough to call it quits. Not to mention, the random bleeding ALL the time for MONTHS on end is enough in itself to make me never want to deal with it again. Feeling this crappy for this long is just too much, I can't do it anymore.

I suggest anyone out there wondering the same things that I have been start here (http://mirenadiaries.wordpress.com/)

and then read through some of this other stuff....
http://1irreplaceablemoment.blogspot.com/2011/06/spotlight-my-mirena-nightmare.html?m=1
http://thechanceys505.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-mirena-story-cautionary-tale.html
http://www.thewileyprotocol.com/component/content/article/63-articles/602-iuds.html
http://lifeaftermirena.blogspot.com/2008/02/so-you-think-your-iud-is-causing.html
http://curezone.com/forums/f.asp?f=713
https://www.facebook.com/groups/19596215325/
http://www.squidoo.com/Mirena-Side-Effects?utm_source=google&utm_medium=imgres&utm_campaign=framebuster

For people experiencing severe enough symptoms to want to persue legal action this is where I'd go here. http://www.motleyrice.com/medical-devices/mirena-iud-lawyers

To report negative side effects to the FDA-
Visit www.fda.gov/medwatch, or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

Read more!

We have a word.

Ok 8 months in and I'm ready to finally call this Baby D's first official word. The kids been saying Dadadadaa forever, probably since he was 4 months old, has recently thrown out some mamamamamaa but I kept saying that until he uses it intentionally and deliberately I wont call any of his babbling "real" words.

So after a week I'm finally ready to say that THIS is Nugget's very first word..... I mean phrase...

"UH- OH!"

Thats it! Kid drops stuff on the floor on purpose all day long and looks at you and says UH OH! It is too darn cute, I have to get it on video some time. So although it isn't really a word, it is a phrase, and he uses it deliberately so it's goin down in the baby book folks! Read more!

I have twins.... born 18 months apart. No really!

I still laugh about it because they really look exactly alike... Go ahead, see if you can tell them apart!!

Snoozing boys just a couple weeks old

Who's on left... who's on right? The Dudes at 2 months old.

2 of these cuties are Baby D, the other is HL, which one?

All bundled up, both about 2 weeks old

With the momma, oddly enough I am wearing the
same necklace in both pics...weird!

 

My little turkeys

See I told you... scary isn't it :) Read more!

Holy 8 months batman!!!

8 months old!!

Well it is about time for another Nugget update! I realize how sucky I have been at posting about all of his milestones and such... I tell you with the lack of sleep over the past 8 months it has made it very hard to stay on top of brushing my teeth let alone blogging my goodness. Plus my business has exploded and I'm attending 2 separate colleges right now working on more nursing stuff, so I am in a constant state of juggling and trying to get it all done.

3 1/2 mos getting ready for Halloweeeeeeen,
where has the time gone???

5 months old!! Soooo darn cute!

So there is a lot to update...


First off his stats- we haven't gone in for his 9 month appointment yet but I'm guessing he's about 20 lbs right now and all I know is that he is long... seriously this kid is hugantic. He's only about 5 or 6 lbs away from big brother and he's only about 6-8" shorter, I think he came out of the womb in a race to catch up to HL or something. He's been wearing 12 month clothing since he was about 6 months old, he is so big that the two boys can wear the same size diaper and same shirts a lot of the time. Makes it easier with the laundry not having to sort everything but unfortunately I had to go out and buy more 12 month clothes because I didn't have enough for both of them! It's also a bummer for the hand-me-downs... since HL is a peanut none of the clothes that would fit are in the right season so we haven't been able to re-use much outside of PJ's which I never guessed would happen when I was pregnant.

Me & My "Things" Halloween 2011

The 4 of us skiing :)

After 6 mos shots, so brave!

Most important update so far is that there is more sleeping going on up in here!! OH YEA!! Sleeping through the night... well no... but we have officially dropped the 3 am and 5am feedings which leaves us with only the 10 pm, 1:30 am, and then 8:00am. Ha-le-lujah, just that extra bit of uninterrupted sleep is glorious! Oh yes and Nugget has officially been booted out of the bed and into his pack n play at the foot of our bed which is equally as wonderful. It all only took about 8 1/2 months ha! Almost killed me I tell ya. So next up I'm hoping we will be able to phase out the 1:30 feeding and by golly we will have a kid that sleeps through the night... say it isn't so! At that point he will be booted completely out of our room and into his nursery. Finally. We have not done any cry it out stuff with him so far, quite honestly I have put it off for so long because I dont see how it is possible to do that with a toddler in the house, he'd be waking him up constantly, so I've just suffered through the lack of sleep for 8 looooonng months. We did it with big bro during nap time to get him to put himself to sleep but surprisingly the little muffin has always been an AWESOME napper! He's napped on his own in his crib since he was just 3 months old or so, puts himself to sleep all by himself, no fight, no nothing. And just as I was ready to start the CIO with him at night so that I could get my sanity back he naturally started to give up the 3 am feeding all on his own once he was eating more 'real' food during the day. Thank GOD.

He is the cutest dang thing you could ever see, big blue eyes, constant smiles, goofy hair growing all different lengths, long toes and fingers, and a constant babbling of "duu duu duuuuuu", he's a screecher pterdactyl like HL was too and I'm constantly reminding him to be quiet during big brother's nap time... "Now Nugget, be QUIET!! Big brother is quiet when you nap so you need to be quiet when he naps!"... pretty sure he could care less :) He is also big on putting EVERYTHING in his mouth. Well duh you think, but HL was never big on that, sure he'd put stuff in his mouth but nothing like Nugget... seriously this kid sucks and chews on ANYTHING within reach, and with the toddler passing him things he should be eating it is a lot of work keeping up with him!

Mobility- My lil muffin has earned the nickname of "Sloth" haaaa, makes me laugh just thinking about it. Seriously this kid is so lazy, he might as well have been born with no legs or arms because he pretty much wants to be carried around everywhere. He started rolling over at about 4 months but only with a lot of coaxing, he's like HL and loathes any type of tummy time, looks at me like "What the heck mom, this sucks! I dont want to stare at the floor quit doing this to me woman!!!" The only time he rolls on his own is when he goes to sleep. He is a tummy sleeper which I hate, it completely freaks me out. Big brother also sleeps on his stomach but he didn't start doing it until he was much older. Nugget started sitting up on his own around 5-6 months. Poor thing has to be careful though because HL is constantly in his face and tends to knock him over on accident all the time. He hasn't been too big on the jumperoo, it took him a while to figure out that he could bounce around in it but the racecar walker thing... oh my... he LOVES that. He zooms around the house getting into EVERYTHING, just like big brother used to do. Crawling?? HAAAA ha. ha. No way, he has no desire to do that whatsoever, he'll tuck a leg behind him for a minute on the floor when he's reaching for a toy but then he looks at me and cries. This kid won't crawl, he'll go straight to walking, again just like HL did (funny how similar they have been with everything) and that is fine with me! He gets into plenty of trouble zooming around in the racecar. He'll stand and can cruise around but he's a scaredy-cat, he's working on pulling himself up on everything, he walks great with your assistance, so we'll see when he finally makes the leap, maybe this time I'll actually be around to witness it! Don't get me wrong, though, we are in NO rush to have 2 mobile midgets in the house :)

Faux Hawk 7 mos

Words?? Well like I said his favorite 'phrase' is duu duu duuuuuu, he's just now learning to make mmmmmm sounds and will say mama here and there. I am not as eager to call any of these his first words as I was with HL, I figure until he's using them deliberately then they don't really count... right? So we're waiting. I will be curious to see what his first REAL word is, for HL outside of mama dada it was "lights" ;)

NomNomNom crackers

Food- He is so funny about baby food, completely opposite of big brother. He really could care less about baby food, it is like a circus production trying to feed him a jar... He wont look in one direction for more than .2 nanoseconds, the moment you catch him long enough to shove the spoon in he swings his bobbly head over the other way and food goes EVERYWHERE. It takes a very interesting technique to feed him and you have to be quick!! He started out barely eating a half a jar of food (mind you, this is at 7 MONTHS old!!) and I've slowly bumped him up to one whole jar, that's it... and then if he eats a full jar he will only take about 2-3 ounces of food (this has been most of the problem with getting him to sleep, he refuses to eat more than 5 oz at a time, ever, since pretty much two weeks old) Big brother on the other hand would down 2 jars of food as fast as you could shovel it in and then gulp down an 8 ounce bottle. So yea he is not big on the baby food thing but what he IS big on is 'real' food. I'm talking bread, crackers, noodles, cereal.... he loves 'big people' food and finger foods and he'd eat that all day long. He will stare you down when you have a plate of food, and will start yelling at you to give him some, I kid you not, he really does! So I've pretty much given up on the baby food thing, I try and get him to eat a little here and there and otherwise it's snacky toddler foods... mostly crackers.... the kid might as well be named Polly. And thus the momma sweeps the floors about 6x a day now, no joke.

First time eating real food on Turkey Day!!

He's got moves like Jagger too... kid loves to dance. I always find it funny that they just sort of start doing that, you don't have to teach them at all, the moment a song comes on tv he starts shaking his groove thing. He has a really neat move I call the zombie, he holds both arms above his head and shakes his wrists back and forth while shaking his booty and bouncing up and down. HL will teach him how to get down once he's more mobile I'm sure ;)

My little "Animal" 6 mos

That says it all!

So I guess as I can see myself from writing this post things have improved a lot here, I can finally enjoy my little guy and my two boys. Not that I wasn't loving and enjoying it before it is just reallllllly hard to function with so much stress going on in my life between work and school and a toddler when you have a baby that doesn't sleep. I have never experienced that type of exhaustion in my life. Sooo glad to be getting back to 'normal' these days :)

Mommy hearts you little muffin head, dont know what I'd do without you in my life, my little snuggly wuggly squishy baybay!

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SnowDay 2012

Well you'd think it was Armageddon or something based on the fact that the grocery store shelves were literally cleared out of milk, eggs, and every chili bean ever made. People sure do love hysteria don't they! But in reality it's just a nice snowstorm here in the mile high... Little rosie noses and rosie cheeks make this momma's day. Pretty sure they enjoyed themselves a little bit too :)

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Oh weird you mean our media and corporate regulators are corrupt...?? Nah.

The media hiding a story, say it isn't so! Fox being paid off by a major corrupt corporation, gasp! Oh and squashing a story about how said giant corporation is producing known cancer causing agents into our milk and food supply... no way... money rules the world folks even at the expense of our lives, duh. No one is exempt, even the FDA, a regulatory agency that we count on to keep us safe can be paid off, you'd be naive to think otherwise.

Wonder if I'll get a threatening letter from Monsanto or Fox about this and the "dire consequences" I may experience from sharing this info with others... I shudder at the thought :::choke::: let me tell you what, I will make sure I do my part to ensure that as many people as I can possibly stir up will see this story. And it is just the tip of the iceberg folks...

It should come as no suprise if you know anything about Monsanto, the "most evil corporation in the world".... you can read about a tiny portion of their shananigans here or by doing a simple google search. I became aware of all of the awful things they have done to agriculture and our foods when we watched the movie Food Inc. (WATCH it if you havent!!!) and the information we were presented with is actually what propelled us into living a much more organic lifestyle (hence our backyard chickens, etc).

The scary part which also should really come as no surprise is that the media is hiding and covering up stories like these, so that we the people keep our heads in the sand... the land of the free isn't so free when we are denied access to information that can alter our decision making, and it's all in the spirit of MONEY money money money.

Educate yourselves, and educate others, it's the only way to stop things like this from happening. And do yourself and your family a favor, plant a garden, get some backyard chickens, and join a local food co-op for your meat, you don't even want to get me started on what Big Agri-business has done to our produce, eggs, and meat supply.... Read more!

Did I Ditch Class On School of Life Day???

It's entirely possible that I may have skipped class the day they went over the "school of life" and "life skills" and "life wisdom" I did skip a LOT of school.... buuuut from what I gather after conversations with peers I'm pretty sure LIFE wasn't part of the school syllabus... ever. Another great tidbit from the interwebs... These are things that a good parent will teach their kids, because it may save them a lifetime of learning through the school of hard knocks.

11 Rules Your Kid Did Not and Will Not Learn in School.

I couldn't help but laugh after reading this 1. because it's so true, and 2. because I actually often joke about the fact that there is no college, no class, no credit hour for the school of LIFE. You know, the the things that are crucial to being a productive and successful member of society. I'm not talking about getting a degree or getting a 'real' job. And I'm not talking about parenting (we all know the only way to learn that is to live it. With your own kids. Because babysitting, nannying, and nieces and nephews don't count) I'm talking about things you will need to know at some point to be a responsible adult... like applying for a mortgage, understanding a health insurance policy, picking the right life insurance plan for your family, setting up a financial plan or retirement plan etc. It's a whole other world out there...

FHA, interest only, VA, mortgage insurance, escrow, debt to income, fixed, arm, subprime, title insurance????

Deductible, Coinsurance, durable medical equipment, in network, out of pocket maximum, open enrollment, accidental death and dismemberment, paramed exam, term or whole life???

Mutual funds, CDs, high risk, umbrella, annuity, 401k, roth ira???

It's like a foreign language. Pretty sure they didn't cover any of this stuff anywhere along the way. And I'm STILL learning half of this stuff as we speak. Writing a check appropriately, threading a sewing machine, and turning on an oven were about the extent of life skills they covered back in FIFTH grade. Where are you supposed to learn all of these things...??!! Your parents? I know for one my parents did NOT teach us any of this. They covered cooking your own meals, separating washing and folding laundry, cleaning basics, poop-scooping, putting birthday money into a savings account, and a daily dose of "go to school, get good grades, go to college" aaaaannnndd that was it.

There were no homeschool courses on credit scores, property taxes, or applying for a mail in ballot. So we've all been left to fend for ourselves and learn the school of life along the way. But I tell you what, the buck stops here. Right along with algebra my kids will be learning about APR's, leasing agreements, HSA's, and wage withholdings. And of course the 11 Rules above... because I know they aren't going to learn ANY of this from their high school teacher or pizza place employer. and this stuff is CRITICAL knowlege for life! I urge all other parents out there to do the same (after you learn it yourself of course, dont worry we're all there together.) Read more!

Oh just some co-sleeping adventures

Ahhhh life with kids... do you catch the twinkle in my eye?? When people tell you to sleep prior to having kids, well, errr they're right. I used to roll my eyes at these folks up on their high horses and wonder why people always felt the need to rain on my blissful pregnancy parade (ahem random grocery store lady with the 48 hour blood and guts labor story :::blank stare:::) You ignore these warnings because they sound all doom and gloom but before you know it you find yourself being 'those people' warning friends and family of the same annoying things. So I apologize in advance for raining on the parade...

Sleep PEOPLE! SLEEP before having kids because it will never happen again. And those of you with 4 day old babies that sleep though the night shut up. Your kid is an anomaly. Don't believe me? Have another one and see how it works out for you the second time.

Part of the marathon of the first year of parenting is getting your kid to sleep. To sleep for more than an hour. To sleep without your help. To sleep in their own bed... emphasis on the word OWN. (stay tuned)

Dude #1 was a pretty good sleeper from the beginning (side note- the 'beginning' starts after 12 weeks of colic, I dont know whose kid that was we ended up with for the first few months, thankfully they came and picked him up and left us with HL just before I lost all semblance of sanity), started napping on his own and putting himself to sleep without a ton of intervention, only needed a couple of days of 'cry it out' coaxing when he was about 7 months and has happily lived in his own crib since. Only on rare nights or illness did he need more snuggle time and hubbs and I were happy to oblige and occasionally co-sleep with the dude.

And then came baby Nugget.... dun du dun dun Duuuuuun! DMac is the perfect baby, a perfect little dude with one fatal flaw... he doesn't sleep to save his life. So much for that awesome modern crib we picked out after months of searching, so much for the adorable pack n play in our master bedroom with a monkey mobile that has been all set and ready for him for over a year now, and so much for 'occasional' co sleeping. This kid has not left our bed since the day he left the hospital. Haaa yea very funny... not. We're a full blown co-sleeping family not necessarily by choice. Ya'll, I like to sleep and I'm pretty particular about my sleeping arrangement... pillows must be just so, ceiling fan on the perfect speed, curtains pulled the right way. Well that went right out the window 8 LONG months ago and thus, there has been no sleeping. All I can hope for on a decent night is to avoid a broken rib from kicking feet, not get poked in the eye with tiny sharp little finger nails, and maybe... just maybe keep my pillow ALL to myself for a full 6 hours.

But why?? What's so bad about co-sleeping, it's so natural and loving, the bonding is amazing..... I offer you the following photo. I literally have not stopped laughing since I saw it. This has been my life for the past 8 months and I'd be lying if it didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy knowing we aren't the only ones out there that have had the pleasure of experiencing the "jazz hands" or the "stalker" or the "H is for Hell" (Thank you whoever you are for posting this wonderful insight into the world of co-sleeping)

I am however proud to announce that just last night 7 months and 29 days later, Baby Nugget successfully slept in the pack n play at the foot of our bed for the entire night with only a little bit of coaxing throughout the evening. Oh my lord, finally.





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When The Child Becomes The Parent, another casualty of Cancer.

There really is no experience I've ever gone through that is like this. When your parent becomes ill, especially with cancer, and the role shifts from child to caregiver it is almost too much to handle. I'm just not ready for this phase of life yet... I guess... but are you ever??

My brain is just on overload these days. Has been for quite some time, there's just a lot going on in my life, a lot for one mind to process. I've been plugging along, a lot of times on auto pilot, but tonight I finally lost it, broke down in tears over a skillet full of rice and turkey. I know there were a lot of things prompting it, in fact I actually broke down in tears sitting on the bathtub earlier this afternoon over the potty training trainwreck attempts but that's a story for another day...

The culmination came tonight when my Dad came over to discuss his appointment with the oncologist. For those just tuning in, my Dad has/had (I dont even know how to put it anymore) cancer. He went through 6 rounds of chemo and then a massive surgery, more complicated than open heart surgery to remove his bladder, prostate, lymph nodes and reconstruct a new bladder out of his small intestine. It sounds like complete sci-fi because it is... it's crazy what they can do these days. After a week in the hospital, my Dad was back home and has been flying in his recovery ever since. He is one stubborn ass curmudgeon, and proudly so, you couldn't knock him down if you tried. So I can't say that I'm surprised at how well he has done through this whole escapade, but I also know him better than anyone else on this planet and I know that it hasn't been as easy for him as he lets others think...

So he's been recovering for the last 3 weeks and had a follow up appointment with the oncologist the other day. He comes in tonight to tell me that basically the oncologist thinks that he should undergo 2-6 more rounds of chemo treatments just to be on the safe side. Incase any cells had broken off and traveled through the body this may or may not help in counteracting it.

Long story short he flat out refuses to do any more chemo. One of his concerns is that the insurance wont pay for the $10,000 ea. treatments and his other main argument is that he asked the oncologist if doing the chemo would guarantee that he wouldn't get cancer in the future and of course the oncologist's answer was no. There really is no way to know whether or not the chemo would help, there's no way to know if there are any cancerous cells floating through his body, it's all kind of a toss up. My interpretation is that the oncologist is erring on the side of caution, and covering his own ass, and basically trying to stack the deck. He has no crystal ball to know whether it's necessary or not, or whether it will make a difference or not but statistically speaking it's probably a good idea.

My Dad, on the other hand, thinks that there's no reason he should undergo any more "torture" when there's no guarantee for it all... and this is my mental dilemma. I understand where the oncologist is coming from and I also understand where my Dad is coming from. I can easily say that if I were in his shoes I'd just go ahead and do the extra chemo but I have NO CLUE what it was like to go through that... I have no idea how hard it was on him, so who am I to tell him what to do.


This entire experience I've had to balance the whole concept of being optimistic and realistic, there's a very fine line... You can't be a strong support system for someone with cancer and be blatently honest with them, you just can't, they NEED that unequivocal confidence that it is going to be ok if they just follow the steps. They're relying on you to be that beacon of hope and strength, and I took that role very seriously for my Dad. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin, unwavering in strength so how am I supposed to say "Dad you know, I'm scared for you, I'm scared that you may die and not be here any more and so ANYTHING that could possibly help I demand you to do, because I dont want to lose you.... I can't imagine my life without you yet... I refuse to let you give in...." I can't say that to him, I can only say it to myself and walk away when the tears begin to fall so that he doesn't know how bad this whole experience has shaken me to the core.

My Dad values my opinion above anyone in this world, I know this, and it broke my heart to talk with him tonight. I had to play the devils advocate and tell him that I wouldn't just dismiss the chemo idea, I would get all of the info and then weigh my decision whether or not to go forward with more treatments with a clear mindset. I had to tell him that my interpretation of his pathology report was not exactly what he was thinking, it wasn't as optimistic as he has convinced himself to believe. I had to be a tad bit more realistic with him but I caught myself. I realized that I was being selfish, I wanted him to do whatever the hell it took to make sure that he was around as long as possible with us, I didn't care if it meant he was miserable through more chemo rounds, that he couldn't be around his beloved grandkids for even longer for fear that he may get severely ill with his compromised immune system, I didn't think about HIM at all. So I finally said that I understood it was his decision and I will have a conversation with him later to make sure he knows that I support his decision 100% and that I will never judge him for the route he decides to go.

But it literally devastated me, as he walked out the door I realized that all he wanted to hear was for me to laugh along with him "geeze stupid doctor WHY the heck would you need more chemo, you're CURED!!that's why you've gone through all this crap, the chemo, the surgery, that was supposed to be it".... that's what he wanted me to say.... and I didn't. All he wants to hear is for someone to tell him he's finally DONE with this. That he can start to LIVE again.... he just wants to know that this horror is over and the oncologist (and subsequently I) basically crushed that for him. As easily as he dismissed the idea, despite what I was saying to him, I know that he took a lot of stake in what I had to say and it destroyed him inside, I could see it in his face and I just lost it...

I feel like I just failed at being his pillar of strength, like I just shot someone's puppy right in front of them. It's so easy for anyone outside to say what they'd do if they were in his shoes, but really none of us knows what it's like. I can't blame him for not wanting to relive the past 3+ months of chemo.. Exact words out of his mouth were "I know I didn't complain much or act like it was a big deal but that kicked my ASS and there's no way I want to do that again" And the worst part is that I know how true that is... there's no way he would ever let on how hard this has been for him... he's way too proud, one of the qualities I admire most about him.

So I guess there really is no point to this post other than to vent about how a cancer diagnosis is the most AWFUL experience I've ever had to go through in my life... the only thing I can imagine being worse is if it were my child. And that just when you think you're at the end of the tunnel you get thrown another curve ball. This has tested my inner strength to the MAX and I'm still trying to figure out why we have all been forced to go through this... it's just another reminder of how precious life is and to stop wasting it on the insignificant BS because in the end none of it matters.


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Baby Dude Gets The Shaft

So the moment I found out that I was pregnant with my little nugget I felt an instant sense of excitement and then nearly burst into awful sad tears. I was almost devastated in a way for my older son, I felt like I was ruining his life and that I'd be taking all of the attention off of him from this moment until forever. It was a good few days of this horrible feeling until I finally started to see the positives of what a little brother would bring to his life rather than the doomsday approach I found myself in.

I vowed to make sure that he NEVER felt slighted, that I would go out of my way to make sure that everyone paid just as much attention to him after the baby arrived as they did on a normal basis. I just felt like I had to make sure that his life didn't change in any negative way and it wasn't until I hashed this over in my head that I finally gave myself permission to be happy about our upcoming addition.

If I only knew then what I know now...

Just the other night I was shopping for xmas presents and had picked out a whole cart full of things for HL, I was nearly skipping around the store going OH he would LOVE this, and AHH Mickey Mouse yep gotta have that, etc. I finished and looked down and realized that I hadn't picked out ONE thing for my little nugget... not a single thing. Not only that but I hadn't even thought about him while I was shopping. It was like someone slammed me in the face with a bat and I almost wanted to cry. It wasn't the age, not like it's less fun to shop for a 6 month old rather than a 2 year old... I dont know what the heck has happened! I was so so excited to take HL to get his picture with Santa last year, drove an hour to do so, and it's not the same this year... it makes me so sad. I know we're much busier now, we have 2 kids needs to meet, yaddi yadda... but it's no excuse.

It turns out that I really should've been more concerned with my BABY dude rather than my big boy because in all reality it's the poor baby that gets the shaft. A toddler demands your attention whether you want to give it or not, they're mobile, they have mouths, and attitudes so you have no choice. A baby on the other hand sits in a bassinette cooing to themselves (well at least a good majority of the time) and it's often easy to forget about them. Granted little nugget has definitely figured out a way to assert himself in our family and I have a feeling this contributes to his 'needy-ness' and high demanding personality.

I mean the poor guy gets really no new clothes, they're all hand me downs. All of his baby gear has been half destroyed already broken in. Toys are similarly 'well loved' already. The only shiny new things he has are pretty much his crib and his Wubbanub.

Then we move on to the pictures... I filled an entire external hard drive with photos of HL before he was a year old. Hundreds and hundreds a month. On the contrary, I have maybe 500 total pictures of my little nugget including his birth!

And the experiences... as much as it pains me to say it isn't exactly as exciting to experience all of the milestones the second time around. Dont get me wrong, I anxiously await them and I LOVE watching my baby dude grow and learn about his world, I really really do! But I will admit there is a little tiny bit of less enthusiasm this time around. I'm not up all night researching which baby foods to try first and how many wet diapers I should be seeing a day, or religiously scrapbooking every giggle and sneeze. For one thing I don't really have the time anymore with a wild and crazy 2 year old and a needy little baby. But I really have to stay on myself to stay in the moment and relish these baby days since I know all too well how fast they go by.

It's a double edged sword really... as I've come to find out is true of a LOT about parenting...

Thankfully after my Christmas shopping episode I got a huge wake up call. I put back half of my cart of presents and headed over to the baby aisles and submerged myself fully into finding special things that my nugget would love and it felt really good to focus solely on him for a moment. And if nothing else it's all given me some interesting insight into baby dude's super needy personality. It's like he's there to remind us not to forget about him amongst the chaos. And thankfully kids dont remember these times in their life... it's like a grace period for parents to get their shit together without ruining them for life ;) Read more!

Our First Family Turkey Day

So this will be our first thanksgiving doing our "own" thing. Which means that we wont have to wake up at the crack of dawn, get both kids bathed, dressed, fed, and in the car, scream out the door to house number one, socialize, eat, drink, pack up and zoom to house number two, and repeat, then off to house number three, and sometimes a fourth house for pie and dessert. Can you hear my zen-like "ahhhhh" as I take in the idea that for the first time we will have a relaxed Thanksgiving... woo saaah...

Anyway, thought I'd post some of the recipes we'll be using in case anyone else out there is navigating their first turkey dinner like ME. I love to try new recipes, so I've scouted through dozens to pick the ones I think will be awesome rather than just boring side dishes. We'll be frying one turkey and baking another so we have lots and lots of leftovers which I think are just as good as Thanksgiving dinner itself! I have some family recipes and staples that I'll be relying on but I found some amazing recipes out there that I can't wait to try out tomorrow.

Pioneer Woman's Mashed Potatoes- taters should be the simplest thing to make but I want them to be To.Die.For. and I'm pretty sure these will be!

Peel apart no knead dinner rolls! Super simple recipe, and they look so pretty. Must make ahead to allow time for rising.

Paula Deen's Sweet Potato Bake. First off it's a recipe that comes from the queen of cookin, so I'm sure it will be absolutely delcious. And I think I'm going to switch up the topping and add the traditional marshmallows on top.

Old fashioned pumpkin pie. I'm making my own pumpkin puree from our pie pumpkin delivered in our organic produce this week. This recipe looks really simple, and classic, which is what I wanted. No need to mess with a good thing!

Creamed Onions a la Emeril. One of my favorite side dishes, I could eat onions every single day and I put them in everything!



Cranberry Sauce by Bobby Flay, I am doing a twist on our family recipe this year and adding in fresh cranberries rather than canned. So I'm using this as a guide to cook the fresh cranberries...



Homemade custard apple pie. Sweet & to the point with a few twists

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My little "Nugget"

He came into this world in almost a perfect way. I was able to into labor naturally as I had always wished. He came out 100% healthy after just a handful of pushes. It really couldn't have gone much more smoothly. And then we came home and it has been anything BUT smooth.

Before I get too far, don't get me wrong, Baby D is awesome. He is the sweetest, cutest, squishiest little thing you've ever seen. He's growing like a weed, about 16 lbs now at 5 1/2 months. I am absolutely in love with this little guy.

But DANG this kid is high maintenance. Baby D is testing all of my parenting abilities, my patience, my ability to function with total sleep deprivation.

He is now 5 1/2 months old, he still eats every 2-3 hours all night long, he does NOT nap and he is not very happy unless you are holding him all day. I thought he had colic when we brought him home, just like big brother, but his demeanor hasn't really changed since. He is just as needy as he was day 1.

D is the polar opposite of HL at this point. With big brother I was able to get him onto a feeding schedule almost immediately, he was sleeping 5 hours at night at maybe 1-2 weeks old and he fell right into a nap schedule. His day was predictable and after his own 3 months of colic he was a breeze. Baby Dude has apparently not received the memo. I have done everything I can possibly think of to try and get him onto a schedule and it still fluctuates all the time. He refuses to take more than a 15 minute nap. Instead of eating 7 or so ounces per feeding and then going 4-5 hours until the next meal he will only eat 4-5 ounces and then is starving again barely 3 hours later. Nighttime is the same story, there's the 10:00 feeding, the 12:00am, the 3:00am, the 6:00am, and 8:00am - that's 5 feedings before big brother is even awake! We haven't even been able to move him to the PACK N PLAY in our room because of how often he gets up (there are paci cries & blanket cries in between the hungry cries) so he still sleeps in bed with us at almost 6 months old!

Craziness I tell you. Craziness. By this time HL was sleeping at least 8 hours at night...

All I can think is that Baby D wants to make sure we dont forget that he's here. It's like he came out of the womb proclaiming I HAVE ARRIVED and is making damn sure we know that he is in charge. I find it laughable because I was/am adament about having a child on a schedule with a routine of normalcy, I dont know how other families function otherwise, yet here I am with my hands tied pulling out my hair to get this kid on some kind of a schedule and he is flat out denying me.

The sleep deprivation is insane, I have never experienced anything like this in my life. We're going on 6 months of up ALL.NIGHT.LONG. literally, and the toddler is bright eyed and ready to go first thing in the morning so there is no 'catching up on sleep'. Oh and the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" is a joke too because of his refusal to nap longer than a few moments at a time.

Ahhhhh Nugget.... boy you are testing me. You really are. But there must be a reason and if I can survive 6 months, I can survive 6 more... and 6 more... and we will learn this together. I won't give up on you if you don't give up on me. As long as you keep giving me smiles and "deet deet deet's" babble talk I will make it through xoxo

Now for the good moments, despite as nuts as it sounds there are a lot of great moments. I love how he interacts with big brother, he is in LOVE with big brother! I love his big fat cheeks and the fact that he is hugantic. He's already wearing 12 month clothing because he is so long! It is crazy to think that HL just stopped wearing these things maybe 6 months ago! He isn't too big on the wubbanub, so that may prove beneficial later on. I love his smile and big beautiful blue eyes that melt EVERYONE'S heart (and he knows it). I love his hair, he has much more than his brother did at this age. His babbling all day is awesome... blowing raspberries, oohing and ahhing at toys. He drools like it's his job, I keep waiting for teeth, none yet so we shall see. I love that he is pretty much an identical twin to his big brother and daddy, they sure look cute together.

Mainly I just love my little Nugget, wouldn't trade him for the world, and am thankful for all he is teaching me right now.




And here is the rest of it. Read more!

A little thing I call Blissful Chaos

Well it's no wonder that I just can't seem to find the time to post these days. As I write I have a wild toddler zooming around the house with his new birthday toys knocking things off of the coffee table... I guess he forgot about how I JUST asked him to be quiet because little brother is trying to sleep. And then we have the little brother... he's supposed to be sleeping but that is laughable. This kid is a hybrid and requires no sleep, so he thinks. He is laying in the bassinette next to me wailing his head off. My attempts to hold him, rock him, play with him, et al have failed today. I finally just broke down and gave him Tylenol because I can't think of any other reason for him to be this big of a wreck unless he's in pain... maybe a tooth... maybe a headache from being whacked with a race car earlier in the day.. who the heck knows!

This is pretty much my typical day now.... blissful chaos, things NEVER slow down, there is NO sleep in our world, it is a challenge and a joy all at once. I will elaborate in individual posts because I want to remember all of these details, so much to catch up on. I guess in order for me to catch up on posts I have to catch up on LIFE HA!! I'm starting to think that this is not going to happen.

I love my two boys, I am so proud of both of them and so happy to have them both here, but yes it has been a rough adjustment. The only reason I say that is because little Baby D is a bit high maintenance, if he had come into our lives as easily as the big brother life would be smooth sailing but I suppose one is naive to think that any two babies are alike!

So without further ado, next up is a post all about my little "nugget", baby D. It is long over due that I update about how much he has rocked our world :) Read more!

Cancer free.

I don't even know how process these two words at this point in time...

Cancer. Free.

After 3 rounds of chemo the follow up CT scan concluded technically, from a physiological standpoint that my Dad is cancer free...

No signs of lymph involvement which was questionable before, they couldn't even find the initial tumor!

You must be kidding me... dont get me wrong I am elated.. beyond words, there actually are no words to describe any of the feelings I've experienced along the way here. But I am, in all honesty, in shock. I was not expecting such positive news. I'm sure it comes from being hardened by memories of traveling this road more times before than I'd like to count. But my best expectations were that the the tumor had remained stable and no evidence of metastatis had crept up in the meantime. I never expected to hear the words cancer free especially this early in the game so I am absolutely ecstatic.

At this point he is set for surgery, that will be hurdle #2 of all of this. Major surgery = major recovery = major stress & anxiety while we wait. I can finally take a deep breath but I will admit I am still guarded because we still have a long road to hoe. Thank you god for the best news we could've ever heard and may my Dad's angels continue to fly with him throughout the rest of this journey. Read more!

Oh.. you're JUST a stay at home mom.

Oh another blog post about the world's perception on "stay at home moms"... and I use that title loosely for myself since I technically work from home in a lot of ways. I just can't wrap my mind about the fact that people honestly think we sit around on the couch all day popping Ferrero Rochers while drinking chilled Pellegrino in a martini glass. I mean really? It's like we are a completely insignificant species in society, we contribute nothing to the household besides wiping booty.

I'm going to just lay it out here for you folks, actually for the aformentioned folks. You need to shut your mouth when you don't know what you're talking about. So let me save you from looking like a complete asshat while I explain my personal circumstance in stay at home mommy land...

I am a freelance writer which started as a venture in mommy blogging, because of my ramblings about puke poop and colic I earned myself the opportunity to write for some big people. I make money doing that, money for our household to buy things like beer so that I stay sane and hubbs stays happy. Because I have been published in some awesome places I also enjoy the opportunity to test out and review lots of products from dog food to baby swings. And for this I get compensated in some way with anything from free diapers to Walmart gift cards, while nominal these things nicely save us on grocery bills and add up after a while so I continue to take the time to do it.

Moving on to one of my 'real' jobs... I went to school for quite some time to become a nurse and currently in the fall and winter I am a traveling nurse with a government immunization company. It's no ER or all that exciting by any means but it's a paycheck when we need it and it works with my ever busier schedule these days. One day life will slow down and I'll get back into the scrubs full time... for now this is extent of it.

Then we move on to my other job as an entrepreneur and business owner. I retail maternity and child clothing and goodies and hand sew crib bedding and baby essentials. Since 2007 I have been growing this company all by myself and it is now keeping me busy enough to be a full time job in itself. 40 hours a week would be an understatement, I'm up until midnight most nights and pretty much live at the post office. I honestly have been looking into hiring help for a few months now because it's killing me but I love it and won't stop.

More freelance works puts me in tradeshows, golf tournaments, calendar shoots, events and the like as a model and brand ambassador for companies like T-Mobile and others... it's usually good hours that work with my hubbs schedule so he can watch the kids and it pays a lot better than nursing, go figure. When I get the opportunity to do these events I jump on it!

Oh yea and then there's the fact that I "stay home" with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. If this was my only job for the day I'd be more than exhausted. It's full time sun up to sun down of making bottles, cooking meals, cleaning messes, soothing owies, fighting for nap times, zoning out tantrums, changing butts, giving baths, picking up toys, reading books, preschool teaching... it goes on and on and on. There are no breaks, there's no 'time off'. When you're sick and puking your guts out the job goes on. God forbid you catch the flu, I highly recommend becoming a hermit because being sick with babies to deal with is utter torture. Oh and did I mention the hours of this job are 24/7?? The wee one still eats every 1 1/2- 2 hours at night and the toddler is bright eyed and bushy tailed by 8 am if you're lucky. While doing all of this I also manage to keep my house relatively clean, stay on top of the dishes, sweep my floors 3 times a day, and put home cooked meals on the table.

I may spend my entire day in pajamas, my house may not always be spotless, my laundry may not get folded and put away very often,  and my car may be covered in crackers and an occasional dirty diaper but I think I do a pretty darn good job of managing my life. And I contribute a whole hell of a lot to our household and family not only financially but clearly in several other ways. I'm not writing this to get a medal or to hear people say "oh my gosh how do you do it", truth is those people are few and far between. What I expect is the common courtesy and respect for people to reserve their judgement and sarcasm until they've walked a mile in my barefeet shoes. Because until then you have no idea what my life is like, you have NO clue how very hard it is to do what I do, what we all do, despite the fact that you think we plop down on the couch with soaps all day. I'd like anyone to come in and take over my life for 3 days and then see what they have to say.

Now if you'll excuse me I have 2 humans to raise, dinner to cook, and orders to fill.... Read more!

Extreme Couponing!

Well I have to say I'm getting pretty dang good at this (like 100% savings good) ... so good that I finally had to break down and get my very first stockpile shelf. The cupboards, pantry, and laundry room were overflowing! Not gonna lie, I was super excited about this. I filled the thing up in 10 minutes and still need more room. I started 'couponing' in April, took a few months off after D was born and am back at it again. The amount of things I've stockpiled so far is amazing and the amount of money we're saving is even more amazing. In just two weeks of couponing I had already saved us $480... I can't wait to one day walk down into my basement and have shelves wall to wall full of goodies, it will happen... call me a hoarder I wont care because you know deep down you're totally jealous of my mounds of toothpaste, razors, cleaners, pasta, soda, cereal, crackers, and laundry detergent. Especially when you know that I paid a big fat NOTHING for them :)

And for the skeptics that think you can only get junk with coupons here's a run down of what's on my shelf.

Hunts Pasta Sauce
Tons of spaghetti noodles of all kinds
Yakisoba Noodles and ramen type noodles
Pepsi
Mountain Dew
Propel
Full Throttle energy drinks (I can't function without these)
Soy sauce, ketchup, mustard, relish
A ton of bbq sauce and Lowry's marinades (for our grilling/bbq addiction)
Pickles (pretty much a food group for me)
Natural peanut butter galore
Pace salsa
Lemonade
Honey Bunches of Oats, Capn Crunch, and lots of other cereals
Hamburger helper
Crackers and snack food
Crest toothpaste adults and kids, tons of toothbrushes, floss
Deodorant, hand soap, ivory soap bars
Right guard body wash
Tampax and other girlie products
Garnier Fructis and a billion other shampoos and conditioners
Gillette Proglide and 10 years worth of other razors
Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo and lotion
Airwick and Febreeze smelly good things
Clorox, Comet, and tons of other household cleaners
Scrubbing bubbles toilet cleaners
.....and that's just one shelf :) Read more!